How to Get a Good Grade Now That You’ve Failed All Your Midterms

Be the hero you need, not the one you deserve.

1. Befriend that person in recitation who does all the reading. Kidnap them.

2. Tell your professor you suffer from a rare, unnamed condition that makes you lazy and inattentive. Forge a doctor’s note for legitimacy.

3. File a stalking report against your TA when they ask you why you haven’t been to class since September.

4. Sleep with your TA.

5. Become a Russian agent and hack into Canvas.

6. Say you’ve been too emotionally distressed by the inconsistent weather patterns to study.

7. Get a dragon.

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