Most Likely to Fix American Politics: Max Levy
Let’s be honest, we need more Max Levys in the world right now. Taking a semester off to organize for the Clinton campaign in Philly, this former Penn Dems president/White House Intern knows that fighting for what’s right is worth it, to paraphrase HRC. If even a little bit of the political talent of Cecile Richards, Elizabeth Warren, Bill Clinton or Wendy Davis has rubbed off on him when taking those Facebook pics together, he’s got a pretty bright future ahead. But for now, let’s give Max a collective virtual hug.
Closest Freshman Hall: EH4, KCECH
Brought together by a lack of AC and an RA lovingly and jokingly(?) referred to as “Dad,” the residents of the 4th Floor of English House were inseparable from the jump. While not technically a cult, it’s also not entirely clear they’re not a cult—they “adopted” some friends from other College Houses freshman year… who then moved into EH4. Regardless, with their annual holiday party, their four different group chats and their Kardashian–style “family” photoshoots, it’s easy to see how much love they’ve got for each other. Like, how many RAs fly back from their finance job in Singapore to visit their old residents?
Best House: TriChi
Thirteen senior girls—representing between them all four schools, athletes and NARPs, four different sororities and GDIs—occupy the three–floor fortress connected to Copa known as “TriChi” or “XXX” (sounds sensual but it’s actually because the house number is 310). But you already knew that if you went to any of their giant OCR–themed parties (“Net–twerking”) on the third floor, or any of the many pregames hosted on the first floor (there were four this past weekend alone). You heard it here first—there’s gonna be a “Best House” party very soon. Not invited? You can catch at least one TriChi housemate at Smokes' on any night of the week (including the Kweder superlative winner). Eight of the 13 have lived together in the same hall since freshman year, and as all of them are graduating, they’re passing on the house—and the responsibility to perpetually throw down—to a similar group of current sophomores. But before that happens you’ll probably find yourself walking in or stumbling out the door at some point this year.
Best Dressed: Reggie James
Although Reggie would argue that winning over Xufu was the second biggest upset of this election season, he’s clearly just being modest. Anyone that rocks a style aesthetic that can be described as “minimalistic with a little bit of grunge… like grungy professor” is worthy of praise. Reggie recently streamlined his wardrobe, throwing out half his closet and leaving only the best of the best—including his favorite black turtleneck, perfectly scuffed docs and an old school cardigan that looks like it could belong to a trendier version of Harry Potter. So, #protip: If you’re trying to win Best Dressed 2017, maybe don’t hang on to that ratty graphic tee you’ve had since middle school just because it “still fits.”
Most Likely to Never Miss Kweder: Maddy Covington
Though you can find her at Smokes' most nights of the week, Maddy Covington’s presence there is never more guaranteed than it is on Tuesday nights when Kenn Kweder takes the stage. Despite the workload of her dual degree program in Nursing and Wharton, Maddy’s steadfast dedication to the Philly legend has kept her coming back for his music weekly since her sophomore year. She’ll be sticking around next year to “finish her credits,” but we suspect that decision may have more to do with sticking it to her parents, who refused to hire Kweder for her 21st after her constant professions of love on social media had her mom a little bit “mixed up.” She plans to hang the free album he gave her two weeks ago in her future office instead of her Penn diploma.
Most Likely To Write an Inflammatory Facebook Post: Devon Jukes
This bodybuilding blonde may have competed alongside the toughest women at this school last week for the title of Mrs. Penn, but Ms. Jukes’ favorite stage is Facebook. Devon’s profile reads like an encyclopedia of knowledge about gender equality, sexual assault prevention, and any related topic you can think of. Oh, and of course, that pesky lil’ election we had last week. Devon’s also one of the V–Day movement’s top champions, and all–around knows how to send the patriarchy running in Alpha Ph–ear like nobody else can.
Most Likely to Wear Greek Letters Post–Grad: David Moore
Rumor has it that David Moore’s first sippy cup was filled with Natty Light. When he isn’t too busy flooding Snapchat with photos of Teddy (Kappa Sigma’s most popular brother and the only canine to grace their t–shirts), he spends his time ruling the Interfraternity Council with an iron fist. Did we mention he’s the president of Kappa Sig too? David hails from the fraternity–laden land of South Carolina, where he was first taught the art of abandoning literally all other responsibilities in favor of Greek life. He’s the proud owner of one of the most colorful wardrobes on campus, and is a seasoned pro when it comes to pairing Kappa Sig’s letters with salmon, teal, turquoise and every other shade in the rainbow.
Best Humblebragger: Peter LaBerge
Peter LaBerge is just your typical English major. Sure, he’s an award–winning poet with dozens and dozens of publication credits, but hey, aren’t we all? He travels across the country to speak at writing conferences and read his own work, but psh, no biggie. He founded his own literary magazine when he was in high school and still serves as its Editor–in–Chief, but really, it’s not that big of a deal, please, don’t even mention it. Yeah, he was recruited to Penn for his writing, and yeah, he has almost a thousand followers on Twitter, but really, guys, he’s just like us. Did we mention he published a book?
Most Likely to Suggest Beer Pong at First Work–Related Cocktail party: Mario Del Cueto
Some may say your glory days of frat–hood end when you walk across the stage at graduation—time to retire the muscle tees in favor of generic suits and a soul crushing job in finance. Mario, on the other hand, insists you can have both. This Fiji frat bro boasts a job at Bain AND an impeccable pong record (and I think we all know which one of those really matters to the ladies). While you can find him in Smokes’ rocking jerseys and backwards hats for the rest of senior year, Street suspects that next year you’ll find him turning his office’s communal workspace table into a regional beer pong competition. But I mean really, what better way to bond with all the consulting bros trying to pretend that they’re not as equally depressed as the finance bros… am I right, or am I right?
Biggest Freshman Facebook Friender: Angela Ni
If Angela Ni didn’t friend you on Facebook one month into school four years ago, are you even relevant? This friendly friend–er from Cali is just as involved on campus as she is online—maybe it’s all the time she spends on the Undergraduate Assembly and Class Board, or her Engineering classes, or the students that she TAs for STAT 430 that helped her meet virtually everyone and become the top Facebook user of the Class of 2017. We don’t know for sure which of the three is responsible, but we do know that Angela couldn’t be more kind—and Facebook friendly.
Most Likely to Want a Superlative: Allison Strumeyer
Allison Strumeyer, or “stru” to the lucky few who know her well, and not those who just stalk her on #insta. Yes, it's @_stru, we know you wanted her handle. Now, if you were given one person to be stuck on a deserted island with, your first choice may not be Allison, the human jumping bean with a fresh blowout. But hear us out. Recognize that her dedication to capturing attention would make it nearly impossible for you to be stuck on that island for one day without being noticed. #Fact. Plus, her absence would surely be felt on the mainland. Without her having access to technology, what the hell would we do with those five minutes a day we usually allocate to watching her Snapchat stories? We give you the Most Likely to Want a Superlative Winner: Allison Strumeyer. By the way, would you guys mind liking her latest Instagram? She asked me to ask you.
Most Likely to EGOT: Chaz Smith
If you haven’t met Chaz already, it’s fine. You’ve probably seen one of his infamous Vines anyway—you know that guy who was really excited about watermelon? Yeah. That was him. But that’s far from all Chaz does. This EGOT–bound star works in photography, production, videography and boasts over 400 million loops on Vine. Be sure to catch him on YouTube—or at the Tony Awards. Winning a Tony. Oh, and a Grammy, and an Emmy, and an Oscar…
Most Likely to EGOT: Elie Sokoloff
Elie is the human equivalent of an EGOT (winning an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony): The girl does it all. From Bloomers to Mortarboard to Kinoki, this OAX gal knows her way around entertainment. Hell, she already has her first claim to fame—you can spot her in Jon Stewart’s last episode of The Daily Show. Where she worked. That’s right, Elie’s been in the presence of Jon Stewart himself. What have you done today?
Person You Wish You Knew: Carlos Dos Santos
We didn’t know Carlos Dos Santos before he won this superlative and, owing to his busy schedule, we don’t know him now. But damn do we wish we did. This mysterious man skyrocketed to fame after he replied all to an email sent to students who had not yet completed the Thrive at Penn Program (aka most of the student body) defending their honor. He articulated the question on all of our minds: “Why is this required for Spring Term registration? I believe this is a waste of my time and I refuse to complete the program." He signed off: "Thanks, Carlos Dos Santos.” No, Carlos. Thank you.
(photo credit: @yungbenfranklin)
Most Changed Since Freshman Year: The Earth
Guys, global warming is so real. And it’s not getting the attention it deserves. Right now, we need everyone to take a step back and help out the Earth, just a little. 2016 is bad enough without the ozone layer literally tearing into two. Plus, you know those cute seals that get stuck their cute little seal–noses stuck in plastic soda rings? Yeah, that's on you if you don't care about the environment. What’s wrong with you? Do you want to be responsible for that? Get a Swell bottle, asshole.
Most Likely to be a Hot Dad: Jack Cook
This MERT man checks off some of the most important dad boxes: college stories to embarrass his future kids with, family with a “bald” streak, loves beer, likes golf, likes to drink beer while playing golf. That’s everything dad, right? Oh, right, the hot thing. When asked, Jack wondered, “I don’t know if it means I look old or if it means people can see I’m going to look good old,” but was honored to accept the position either way. As a pre–med student who’s also involved in MARS and College Cognoscenti, this future hot dad with a biology background will surely know his way around the birds and the bees and (most importantly) the consent.
Class Clown: Mitch Fogelson
Mitch has been no stranger to raking in the laughs since the second grade when he realized his name rhymed with bitch. Although this engineer's robot–building skills are no laughing matter, we can't say the same for his goofy gaffes. When a girl once mistook him for someone else and jumped on his back for a piggyback ride he went along with it—for an uncomfortably long amount of time. Despite thrilling the members of TEP, Hexagon and Mortar Board with his rollicking good humor, Mitch admits he was confused when he received the title of class clown—he claims he's still unable to tell if people are laughing with him or at him. Plus he pointed out that clowns are scary and he's kind of a pussy.
Most Likely to Get Forbes 30 Under 30: Cody Min
Honestly, the real surprise here is that Cody isn't already on the esteemed list. He's a photographer, director, and designer. He’s shot a commercial with MealPal and worked gigs for McKinsey and Herban Quality Eats. With his business, he travels to New York about once a week for work. He went to Forbes 30 Under 30 earlier this year with Bels Senior Society. Now it’s just a matter of time until he returns as a honoree too.
Cutest Couple: Meredith Kline and Brent Shulman
While they may may look like your standard SDT/ZBT couple, Meredith Kline and Brent Schulman were the stereotype before they even knew about it. Both from Orange County, both the oldest of three, both Jewish. They hadn’t met until the summer before Penn when they worked as camp counselors at the Jewish Community Center. They hit it off like “craaaaazy” as Brent says, but they didn’t start officially dating until October of freshman year. The cutest couple has been together ever since. They live two houses away from each other on Beige Block, and stay up late doing work together (Brent's an engineer, and Meredith is pre–med, swoon). These two are a match made in heaven.
Cutest Couple That Never Was: Darren Tomasso and Rhea Singh
These Class Board buddies are toned, tan, fit and ready. Between Rhea's Penn Dance moves and Darren's Mr. Penn title and Brazilian Butt Lift classes the two make a striking team. This strictly platonic pair do everything together—from Class Board to Friars to elaborate photoshoot poses. And they're well aware of the rumors—they've been expecting this title since their friendship blossomed freshman year. Although word on the street is that this duo is actually a trio that includes fellow superlative winner Max Levy. Hurrah, hurrah!
Sexiest MOFOs: Tate Gale & Sophia Tareen
Unlike most of Penn’s flannel–wearing frat stars, Tate Gale is the real deal. Hailing from Portland, Maine, it’s almost impossible not to give this hipster–chic hunk a second look. Perhaps you’ve seen him behind the desk of Career Services, but if you’re too deep in denial to step foot in McNeil, catch a glimpse of this hottie at any Mask & Wig show—he’s the band leader (that’s right, he calls the shots). Better buy your tickets for the spring show asap, since this senior won’t be around much longer.
Sophia is every mother’s dream daughter–in–law. This HSOC and poli sci double major could take you down in everything from a sing–off (she’s in Dischord) to balancing a chemical reaction. This stunning Chi Omega will analyze your microfinances and promote international development all while hypnotizing you with her effortless elegance. But be sure to find her soon—this gem moves on to bigger and better things next spring when she graduates.
Most Likely to be Featured in the Round Up: Ashley Berg
Ashley has certainly done her best to fulfill the college goal of “work hard, play hard.” This lil’ M&T senior has time and time again managed to find herself in the most unpredictable of situations. Whether it’s on the tennis court—she’s captain of the club tennis team—or at one of her sorority’s eventSDT, this nugget guarantees you a night for the books.