That 50–year–old dude you saw at backlot last week? Probably somebody’s dad. That 50–year–old dude you're going to see at backlot this weekend? Not only somebody’s dad, but also a glorious alumnus of the University of Pennsylvania! That’s right; as we head into this weekend, thousands of former Quakers will be making the pilgrimage back to campus to relive their glory days on Locust Walk. Rather than get self–reflective and perhaps wonder what it will one day feel like to be in their positions ourselves, let Highbrow do what we do best—categorize the types of alums you’ll see this weekend.
- The frat star who never quite left after graduation: Yeah, maybe Dave doesn’t technically live in Philly anymore. Maybe he graduated, like, two years ago. But after seeing him at his former frat’s parties for the past 3 weeks, you’re beginning to wonder if Dave actually lives in D.C. like it says on Facebook or if he just calls the couch in the Chouse “Dave’s Couch." Dave will gladly be seen hoisting underage freshmen dirty rushes into keg stands and shotgunning beer after beer with his little because hey, in the words of Dave, “Long live the brotherhood, long live college!”
- Former Mr. and Mrs. Penn: Identified by the ever so gentle placement of Mrs. Penn's hand in her husband’s elbow as they walk arm in arm, these oldies went to Penn when it probably still had a separate women’s college. They will roam the Quad, recounting the first time they met in McClelland, and boast about how Mr. Penn was on the football team and scored the winning touchdown against Princeton back in ‘59. Their beautiful, elderly love will make you resent Penn’s hookup culture just a little more viciously this weekend.
- The fully–realized serpent: This person will be quick to let you know what Wall Street or consulting firm they work at and will surely infantilize you for everything you thought was fun. Wanna slap the bag? No, McKinsey slaps it better. Thought the latest season of Narcos was really outstanding? Actually, they knew the producer of the season before that, and, well, they're underwhelmed by the new season. Want to go to grad school, or to an industry other than IB or consulting? They'll simply scoff and turn away, Birkin in tow.
- The has–been: Overly interested in what Penn’s like now, this alum will tell you constantly about what was so different when she went here five years ago. She'll fawn over details of the new institutional gossip, what frat is doing what stupid thing now, and whether “AChiO” successfully made it off campus. When you tell her about the task force shutting down parties, she'll look appalled, as if Amy Gutmann just told her that Santa isn't real.
- A group of 50–year–olds getting the “boys back together”: These dudes were probably the rowdy bunch in Mask and Wig back in the day, and now resemble picture of golden retrievers. They will probably get really drunk at Smokes' on Saturday and stumble back down Locust at the ripe time of 7 p.m., right into their suite at the Inn at Penn. If you’re lucky, they’ll even flag you down to take their pic in front of the Love statue in their matching alumni homecoming shirts. How sweet.
- A group of 30–year–olds getting the “boys back together”: Although separated by geography and profession now, these “dudes” can still relate to each other over their love for predatorily hooking up with undergrads. The worst part? Waking up the next morning, checking your phone, and noticing his has three missed calls from a contact just labeled as “Wife." Time to have that walk back home feel just an ounce rougher.