Humor
Street Beats
Kansas court blocks abortion records access. The censored LPs include: Red Hot Chili Preggers, Wu Tang Coathanger, Blink-182-days-since-my-last-cycle and Destiny's Fetus. Steelers beat Seahawks, 21-10. PA sighs relief that it didn't blow yet another Super Bowl. Egyptian ferry carrying 1,400 passengers sinks in Red Sea. Moses, M.I.A., had been delayed at airport security checkpoint. Vaccine against diarrhea-causing-virus is approved. Alternative to vaccine also emerges: don't eat at College Buffet. Vet building at Penn nears completion. Local collie develops psychosomatic fleas in anticipation. Penn puts on production of The Vagina Monologues: Feb 15th and 17th at 8 p.m.
Shoutouts
To the guy that jerked off during finals last year in the Rosengarten bathroom: I was in the next stall, you sick fuck.
Grammy predictions
The 48th Annual Grammy Awards roll around this Wednesday, and although the Grammys seem to mean less and less each year, we thought we'd give you our predictions.
Super bowl for dummies
We understand that football is not everyone's cup of tea, so here are some fail-safe phrases to mask the fact that you know absolutely shit about football. When They Say... "I bet Hines Ward is going to go off for over 100 yards." "I enjoy watching Hines Ward excel at the game that he plays." "Ten bucks says Roethlisberger can't keep his completion percentage at 63%." "I am a big fan of completion percentages.
That Kid
You know, that kid in your class who... ...is unmistakably a native speaker of the language which you are studying, but for some reason still enjoys taking the class and listening to foolish Americans consistently screw up his native language.
Osama's corner
This week, Osama's Corner is proud to feature a recent entry from the secret diary of the Prince of Planned Assaults himself. Diary Entry -- Jan.
Osama's Corner
Osama's Corner is a new column designed to bring our readers an inside look at the life of the world's most misunderstood recluse, Osama Bin Laden.
Word on the street: Star Struck
When I reflect upon the train-wreck that is Lindsay Lohan, I can't help but feel a tinge of pity. What ever happened to our little girl, that innocent, inhumanly freckled Parent Trap star?
Top Ten Things you SAID you did over break
10. Read E.L. Doctorow's new book, The March 9. Spent quality time with your family 8. Relaxed in the sun 7.
Happy Birthday
This week's campus profile was supposed to feature an exclusive interview with Career Service's one and only Peggy Curchack.
From the editor
January needs something. It's easily the worst month, if we pretend that February -- the month when watching puppies slowly die is better than living -- doesn't exist.
The top TEN Of Everything by Michael Kind and Jonah Platt
Top Ten Best Episodes of Saved By The Bell as reviewed by Street Correspondant Willy Goodfellow 10.
Street beats
Sorority rush numbers up by 11 percent. Pointy-toed shoe industry prepares for market boom. Death of Turkish girl linked to bird flu. Sparrow sues for libel. Chile elects first woman president.
Word on the street: Everybody Must Get Stoned
Last week I attended my first communist youth rally as a token gesture toward the burgeoning popularity of Penn's Soviet youth culture.
From Ronald Reagan
In case you children forgot, or never knew, I died last year. Yep, even the ol' gipper himself succumbs.
Street Beats
Insomnia Cookies and Bucks County Coffee team up. Giving insomniacs coffee? That's like giving crack whores crack. Three homes hit by burglars over break. Reportedly, the burglars did not take anything, but left many fist-sized holes in the walls. Trustee gives $25 million to name health center.
From the Editor
I've sort of been planning this letter for three years. God, this is embarrassing. So, the truth comes out.
Rejected Street Reviews
Glowing bright red calls you to the room, the familiar cursive script rising vertically along the powerful machine.
Review
America Online AOL 9.0: Up to 1000 Hours Free!" Rock icon America Online has returned with its ninth studio album AOL 9.0: Up to 1000 Hours Free and unfortunately has only delivered more of the same.
