34th Street Magazine is part of a student-run nonprofit.

Please support us by disabling your ad blocker on our site.

Jonah Platt


ARTICLES

WAWA-WEEWAH

Like Steve Nash or a fine wine, Clint Eastwood is getting better and better in his old age. A companion piece to October's Flags of Our Fathers, Letters from Iwo Jima tells the story of the infamous World War II Battle of Iwo Jima from the point of view of the Japanese soldiers.

The Dos and Don'ts of Studying for Midterms

Do: Trade sex for grades. Unless it's with that Wharton professor. Get high the night before because it will "expand your mind . man." Arrange all your pencils, calculators, pens, erasers and timing devices in perfect order (with granola bars!) so that you are "prepared" to go to your exam in the morning.

Best of the munchies

I'm faded right now. These are the 10 things I want to eat. Trust me on these. You won't be sorry. Kraft Easy Mac It's creamy, cheesy and, as the name suggests, easy to make.

Right on/Fuck you

Oh theeeeeere you are! After what seems like months of hibernation, it is lovely to see your shining face again, o' glorious Sun.

Fling haikus

When beer flows like wine, And grass is littered with trash, I puke in my hair. Fried Oreos and Funnel Cake stick to my shirt Oh God, so wasted. People getting nude, Everybody is horny, Sucks for Team Fling Safe. I ate a brownie And now I am high as shit Feel force flow to hand!

New olympic sports

Human curling -- Just like actual curling, except instead of that weird iron-on-a-piece-of-rock thing, you use midgets. Make yellow snow and eat it -- It means eat your own pee!

Super bowl for dummies

We understand that football is not everyone's cup of tea, so here are some fail-safe phrases to mask the fact that you know absolutely shit about football. When They Say... "I bet Hines Ward is going to go off for over 100 yards." "I enjoy watching Hines Ward excel at the game that he plays." "Ten bucks says Roethlisberger can't keep his completion percentage at 63%." "I am a big fan of completion percentages.

Red, White and Bluth

The word on the street is that you, Penn students, have f*cked up. You've neglected the masterpiece that is Arrested Development. Despite volumes of critical praise and six Emmy's including Outstanding Comedy Series, you've refused to watch this brilliant program.

Top Ten Worst Things to find in your Halloween candy bag:

10 An anchor - this would make your bag very heavy. If you ask for candy, and someone gives you an anchor, simply reply that you appreciate the gesture, but you'd rather have a Twix than an anchor because a Twix is small and tastes like childhood while an anchor is large and tastes like barnacles. 9 Jimmy Hoffa - this too would make your bag very heavy.

Penn Drinking Game

Round 1 -- The Obvious 1. For every Jew in the room, take a shot. 2. For every kid from the tri-state area, take a shot. 3.

The Spectaguard Spectrum

Mischievious -- Do you think the kids would notice if I take off my pants? Yeah, they would. It's hard not to notice my love-baton. Afraid -- Oh man.
More articles by Jonah Platt

PennConnects

Most Read