This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014

The Theme:

You’re sixteen, and that means you’re sophisticated. You need a theme that speaks to your budding maturity (and breasts). Something that says "I'm 16 and I'm DTHJ...if your parents are in the same income bracket as mine." Show them what's for available with these sexy theme ideas:

Macy’s Moulin Rouge (BYO corset)

Ally’s Arabian Harem

Sarah’s Strip Club

Vanessa’s Vegas Spectacular feat. Cirque de Soleil

The Invitations:

It may be 2014, but Paperless Posts are not going to cut it for your Sweet 16. An acceptable party invitation should be handed out in person, not sent through the mail service like a Christmas card from Aunt Janice containing one single $5 bill. Who are you, Average–Fucking–Joe? Here are some ways to deliver your invitations:

Via t-shirt toss at the Brooklyn Nets home game

On horseback, followed by a fleet of Kentucky

Derby winners (past and present)

Stamped on the back of free iPads or inscribed on

Google Glass frames

The State Of The Union Address

The Guest List:

When picking the #blessed individuals that will be surrounding you on your special day, it’s important to avoid the Three G’s: Goths, Geeks and Giants. Anyone that falls into any of those three categories gets an immediate ax from the guest list: make it swift and humane, like a kosher butcher. After that, grab a Sharpie and consult your yearbook. Students who fit the following criteria are eligible for an invite:

Athlete

Mild to moderate popularity

Doesn't take the school bus

Owns to Fendi purses and a silver Lexus

The Venue:

No place is too big, too grand or too tasteful for your party. So what if a bunch of sixteen–year–olds are going to trash it with sweat, misaimed bodily fluids from inexperienced pregaming and uncontrolled sexual impulses? You are just as precious as your parents tell you that you are. And you deserved to be celebrated accordingly. The following establishments are viable options for your Super Sweet 16:

The Palace of Versailles

That mansion from the “Blank Space” music video

The 2015 Academy Awards

Lena Dunham’s warehouse in Bushwick

The Musical Guest:

Of course, everyone knows “Super Sweet 16” is synonymous with “Concert Headlined By Teen Sensation With One Recognized/Tolerable Song.” Picking the perfect entertainer is tricky: they have to maintain a certain balance of obscurity and mall–tour fame. If you can’t get one of your daddy’s clients, pick one of these up–and–didn't–comers:

Lucas Prata

Anna Nalick

Teddy Geiger

Malia Obama (we're anxiously awaiting her first single)

The Dresses:

Yes, dresses. Plural. If you think you can get through a Sweet 16 with just one dress, then you can go hang with the girls who will be throwing their sweet sixteens in the basement of their local churches, catered by Costco. A true Super Sweet 16 requires at least three dress changes: cocktail hour, party and after–party/gift reveal. All three dresses must be by at least one of the following designers:

Jessica McClintock

Vera Wang

Alexander McQueen (Kate Middleton line)

LC Lauren Conrad for Kohl’s

The Giveaways:

All great hostesses—Jackie O, Queen Elizabeth, Anna Nicole Smith—know the value of a good giveaway. Guests need to be sent home with a lasting reminder that nothing, not even their weddings, will be as extravagant as the celebration of your sixteenth year of life. Giveaway ideas include, but are not limited to:

A lap dance from Big Sean/Sean Paul/Sean Kingston/Shawn

White

An autographed headshot of yours truly

Golden Retriever puppies

Texting gloves

The Car:

It's basically an American tradition at this point. The automobile reveal signals the end of the party and the beginning of true independence (but not financially speaking, of course). Let your guests salivate with jealousy as you sail by in your new ride, accompanied by a license driver over the age of 21 in the passenger seat. Get ready to check your blind spots (and reflection) in one of the following:

Bugatti Veyron

Mercedes Maybach S66

Rolls Royce Phantom

A presidential motorcade


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