What is a fuckboy? A lame, douchey guy who thinks he’s cooler than he is and doesn’t treat others respectfully. He will probably have a dadbod within the next five years (sans child) after earning his Economic History degree from the University of Pennsylvania.

He’ll be wearing workout clothes, even though he hasn’t been to the gym since he quit being a varsity athlete. He probably thinks it’s okay, perhaps even fashionable, to wear a basketball jersey as a t–shirt—it’s not. You can envision him becoming a finance wash–up who orders shitty Kung Pow chicken from Seamless and drinks beer alone on weeknights. His farts probably smell like stale emotions and processed carbohydrates.

Fuckboys plague Penn’s campus. Penn breeds a variety of fuckboys, so you have to be careful and protect yourself. Maybe you’re talking to a cute international boy in suede Tod’s driving loafers and a fitted pair of jeans. Or maybe a scrumptious athlete wearing sweats and a drawstring backpack asks about your weekend. Don’t be fooled—those are full–on fuckboy uniforms.

How to spot a fuckboy? First, converse with your friends. If you hooked up with a hot upperclassman last weekend, you’ll be too biased to look at this situation seriously. Did he text you the next day? Did he perhaps thank you for the wonderful evening together? If there’s no follow–up, he’s probably a fuckboy. We aren’t saying you need to date this fellow, but a little communication is nice. Some say chivalry isn’t dead, but fuckboys are beating it to the ground.

Did he tell you about where he “summers”? (Nantucket) red flag. Is he a momma’s boy? Vom, another red flag. Go with your gut—you and your core group of gal pals (and your gay best friend) will be able to determine whether or not this was a toot–it–and–boot–it situation.

To get a fuckboy off your tail, do not succumb to his shenanigans. No “Netflix and chill.” Don’t even answer his texts or add him on Facebook. Add him to your “No–No List.” If you ask yourself, “Should I go back to him...?” the answer is, “Uh, no–no.” You need to stay disciplined. Most importantly, do not go down that slippery slope that is Snapchat. Enough said.

Next time you see him out, give a little hug hello and then ignore him for the rest of your night. Do not engage or express interest. Tell him you’ve started to see a steamy Italian boy named... Allegro. You already planned to go see Allegro around 2:30am, but maybe even later now that he’s committed/available to you 24/7.

NO FUCKBOY ZONES

They’re everywhere, but there are some places on campus where you can take a deep breath and relax.

Pottruck Third Floor: It’s all gays and sorority sisters. You know it’s true.

Fisher Fine Arts: A lot of hipsters, really good vibes.

Magic Carpet Line: No one will let anything get in the way of you and your baked tofu salad. They have your back.

St. Mary’s Church: Lol do you even know anyone who’s been there?

Zoology Building: The front of the building feels like a tropical oasis.


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