1. Stack all of the sugar packets between you and your coffee date to really come off as sweet but distant.

2. When strolling through a park, find the nearest dog and throw it at your partner.

3. Your hookup is trying to DFMO? Ew, no. Place yourself behind the nearest fern and he will possibly leaf you alone!

4. Adele just sold 3 million copies of 25. Take 2,525 of those and place them between you and your not-so-loved ones. They’ll have to say hello from the other siiiiiiide.

5. Does your significant other really like your beard? Keep the trimmings, combine with wax and make balls to throw at your bae.

6. If you’re worried that the person you’re dating is getting a little too cozy with you, have a friend (or ideally, grandparent) sit between you two to avoid any sort of funny business.

7. Place yourself inside a human-sized genie bottle or pink lava lamp and tell your fuckbuddy “you weren’t rubbing me the right way.”

8. It’s very punk rock to break guitars. So break your lover’s, and make a trip wire between you and your groupie with the strings.

9. Spit ice at your loved one! You’ll be cool for the summer, winter and spring lacking true emotional attachment.

10. Invite your date over to Netflix and chill, then when he/she gets to your place, hand her/him a brick of cocaine and call the cops. Nothing says “I’m not ready for commitment” like getting your date arrested for possession with intent to distribute.


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