OCRing Student: Are you conducting the coffee chats from Bain? I was told to look for a hissing red creature with a pitchfork.
Bain Interviewer: Hello! I am the representative sent from Satan Bain Capital. Why do you want to join Bain?
Student: Since I was three and completed my first Ponzi scheme through a lemonade stand investment firm, I’ve known that finance is my passion. But mostly it’s the only way my education will seem “worth it” in the eyes of my parents, fellow students and myself.
Bain: That’s all?
Student: I also have a lavish Instagram lifestyle that needs to be maintained.
Bain: Wow, I really see a lot of myself in you. What are your extracurriculars?
Student: I’m in a number of student consulting groups. Consulting is my passion.
Bain: And where would I find you on a Saturday night?
Student: By then my battery is running pretty low for the week so I’m plugged into my incubus. My parents didn’t want a model that could charge remotely.
Bain: What do you do for fun?
Student: Fun? [student started shaking] Can you explain what you mean?
Bain: For example, I like to kick puppies and drink their tears.
Student: Oh, I understand now. Sometimes I oversee younger members of my business fraternity while they complete their first ritual sacrifice of the weakest brother. Leadership and management are my passions.
Bain: Great! We’re looking for highly motivated young professionals just like yourself but we know everyone has a weakness, what’s yours?
Student: I never learned how to love. But that might be my greatest strength.
Bain: You’re telling me! Now is there anything else you’d like to add?
Student: Synergy.
Bain: Amazing. I think you could have a bright future at Bain Capital. I hope to see you at our next networking event. We’ve recreated The Hunger Games arena; winner gets to go on a coffee chat with a slightly more senior employee. May the odds be ever in your favor!
