Jacob Gardner (C’18) arrived at Philadelphia International Airport late Sunday night with some exciting news.

“PV was ridiculously fun. Like, every day was so crazy, I was wasted 24/7,” said Gardner, seemingly unaware of how much he was trying to make his spring break trip sound like a validation of his social life at Penn. Gardner spent his spring break in the Mexican beach town of Puerto Vallarta (PV), a popular destination for many college students and a perfect place to use to deceive others of your true personality.

“I honestly can’t believe you didn’t come. Bro, you missed out,” he added to anyone who would listen in the hopes that they would be convinced that he is indeed cool and popular.

Gardner was seen shouting “Next year, dude, you so gotta go! It was legendary!” to passing students outside his Locust Walk chapter house on Monday.

Eyewitness accounts later reported him and good friend Mia Levy (W ‘19) approaching Penn students on campus to ask them if they had seen their latest Instagrams. Gardner appeared to be concerned about if he had looked masculine enough in his photo of him flexing by an infinity pool, while Levy inquired with fellow students if her Instagram caption, “Left my heart, flip–flops, and dignity in PV” was funny enough.


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