Boy MERTs Himself After Swallowing Too Many Hey Day Hats

I feel like you should know you don’t eat them.


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Photo: Amiya Chopra / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In a somewhat predictable turn of events, Jeremy Webster (W ‘18) MERTed himself after consuming the styrofoam of too many hats during yesterday’s Hey Day celebration.

Hey Day, a Penn tradition that began in 1916, is both a day for juniors to celebrate their transition to their final year of college and an ample opportunity for people to misunderstand what they should do when they bite into their friend’s hats.

And this year was no different. At approximately 1:47 PM yesterday, Webster called MERT to assist him in his time of need.

“Help, I need help,” said Webster according to a transcript of the MERT call.

“I think I, I ate too many hats….yeah, hats,” he added, to a surprised MERT staff.

When pressed by MERT members why he had eaten the styrofoam instead of spitting it out like a normal person, Webster commented, “I just, I don’t know, I panicked, everyone around me was biting and I wanted to get a good picture where I bit it for my cover photo.”

“Amy Gutmann did it too! If she did it, then I—” he added over the phone, before passing out from the large amounts of styrofoam in his stomach.

A spokesperson for MERT released a statement early this morning, saying, “While we are pleased to announce that Mr. Webster will make a full recovery, it is important to note here the dangers of eating the hats given out on Hey Day. Like, don’t eat them. They're styrofoam. Why would you do that unless you were completely wasted or something?”

“Oh wait, you’re all wasted,” concluded the statement.


04-20-17, essentials, fake, front page, frontpage, homepage, latest-issue, latestissue, lowbrow

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