Listings: Television

Hooked: Illegal Drugs and How They Got That Way Thu, April 10, 8 p.m. The History Channel Yeah, this is a rerun. So sue us. But, really, you know you want to know why weed is illegal in this country. I, personally, am a proponent of the legalization of all drugs, because they would be safer and cheaper and if the government won't let you do coke than why let you eat french fries or muffins? Like, government, if you care so much about people dying from cocaine overdoses or whatever, than perhaps there should be a ban on fatty foods, because more people die of heart attacks than dehydration due to ecstasy. And don't even get me started on marijuana. I'm not a libertarian -- I'm just not stupid. Anyway, let's hope this documentary can knock some sense into me. Cruel Intentions Mon, April 14, 8 p.m. VH1 Here's something crazy -- I went to school maybe 2 blocks from the house that was used as the outside of the C.I. house, you know, where Sebastian lived. It's not really a house, though. It's more like a museum or a library or something. It's cool. I used to take the cross town bus past it everyday. On an even more crazy note -- Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon are married in real life and have a daughter named Ava Elizabeth. No joke. Now, that is quintessentially cool. I wish I had a famous mother. Once, when I was little, I dreamed that the Cosby Show mom was my mom, but I was actually a daughter on the Cosby Show. The sixth daughter. And so, when people say TV makes little kids uncreative, I just laugh a creative laugh at them. A-hardy-har-har-a-ha-ho. Avoiding Armageddon Mon, April 14 through Thu, April 17, 9 p.m. PBS It's like the Cold War all over again. I wonder if America will ever be able to survive without being like "Wow, somewhere far from our land, there is an evil regime who wants to destroy us, and so we must avenge them before they do, by attacking the entire world." The Cold War has been over for like ten years, people. Don't they think they're rushing things a tad? They can't even give one generation a break for a couple of years. We have to think we're on the brink of imminent destruction forever? Honestly, I think America has been reading a few too many Marvel comic books, if you catch my drift. Great Women of Television Comedy Tue, April 15, 7 p.m. NBC Pheobe used to be funny but she just is not anymore. It sucks, really. Remember Smelly Cat? That was genius. True genius. Now she is just annoying and sad and she never sings, which was the coolest thing about her anyway. Rachel is still funny. Some people disagree, and they're wrong. Rachel Green is awesome. Monica was never funny. Actually, now maybe she is funnier than she used to be, which is not quite as great as it sounds, because it is far from hard to go up from where she started. Megan Mullaly, from Will and Grace, which is still hysterical, is hosting this. Will and Grace is awesome, but Leo sucks dick. It was so much better before Grace was married. I hate TV producers. Bermuda Triangle: Secrets Revealed Tue, April 15, 8 p.m. TLC The Bermuda Triangle has always freaked me out. What the hell happens down there, anyway? Honestly, I don't even want to know. It's like the nether regions of the world. So, basically, why would I want to watch this documentary? It'll just scare the crap out of me. Or, it will try and explain the Bermuda Triangle away, and I'll know that it was produced by the demons who run the whole Bermuda Triangle scam in the first place, which is even worse. Because everyone knows something supernatural goes on down there and whoever tries to convince me nothing does better watch out, 'cause Santa Claws is coming to their town.