Listings: Arts/Culture

Sir Thomas Allen to Teach Master Class Academy of Vocal Arts 1920 Spruce Street Thu, April 10, 2 p.m. Free (215) 735-1685 Sir Thomas Allen is a famous baritone and huge star of the British opera scene, which means you've heard of him if you're rich, euro, pretentious -- or all of the above, like me. I know I frequently get dragged to La Traviata and La nozze di Figaro by mummy and mon pŠre, where I amuse myself by scoffing at the commoners in the nosebleed seats. I would of course attend the Master Class on the 10th if it wasn't free -- I don't mingle well with the lower echelons of the class system and would prefer if it was overpriced. The Misunderstanding The Walnut Street Studio 5 9th and Walnut Streets Fri, April 11, 8 p.m. $12 students/ $15 (215) 427-2822 Albert Camus wrote this one. You don't know who I'm talking about do you? How did you even get in this school? Anyway, in high school, I had to read Camus but in French. I almost shot myself. I mean, I didn't end up reading it but I had to make pretend I had and that always sucks. We all know what that's like because, seriously, how do you expect me to read 400 pages a week for a class? Do I look like I want to stay in my apartment all day? Okay, I do -- but I sure as hell won't be doing work. Dave Chappelle Tower Theatre 69th and Ludlow Fri, April 11, 8 p.m. Dave Chappelle isn't really all that funny, but he does have his own show on Comedy Central, now. Therefore, I, like a good groupie should, will be all about stalking him after his show. Dave seems like the type who would like the Hispanics. It will bring me one step closer to Brad Pitt, and seeing as how marrying him is my only real goal in life, going to Dave's show is just one more step in the right direction. These are the sacrifices I make for my future. Emanuel Ax and Richard Stoltzman Perelman Theater 260 South Broad Street Fri, April 11, 7:30 p.m. $30-$47 (215) 893-1999 www.kimmelcenter.org I went to school with Ax's daughter. She was nice and all, but I'm not a piano girl. I had a traumatizing experience. Meaning my last teacher was a bitch and one of her legs was a lot shorter than the other and she had frizzy hair. She looked like a witch and she loved to take my money. Lady, you're sad, okay? Piano sucks because of you. Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival Morris Arboretum 100 Northwestern Ave. Sun, April 13, 11 a.m. $8 adults, $3 students, Members free www.upenn.edu/arboretum After four long lonely months of bleak skies and cold weather, what could be more welcoming than a garden tour under clear blue sky, lovely pink cherry blossoms, and chirping sparrows? Please, keep me away from the vicious attacking ducks and out of the pollen-infested air. I'll take a couch, an ice-cold beer and an 18-hour Simpsons marathon any day. Mask Making Sedgwick Cultural Center 7137 Germantown Avenue Sat, April 12, 19, 26, 1 p.m. $50 (215) 248-9229 Mask making?! That is definitely going to be the highlight of this week. I thought quilt making gave me better orgasms, but this is exciting. Mystery in the masks you say? Yes, indeed. My mask is going to be better than your mask. Even if you're eight, you can go. Do you mean to tell me I'm going to be comparing my mask to their masks? Lame. I win. Art Songs Trinity Center for Urban Life 2212 Spruce Street Sun, April 13, 3 p.m. $15/$5 students (215) 735-6999 For all you philistines, Art Song can be defined as poetry set to music for voice and piano accompaniment. Apparently this term is interchangeable with the German 'Lieder' -- Brahms, Beethoven, etc. This is, of course, not to be confused with 'Lederhosen', which are those really hideous green overalls worn by mortified waiters in kitschy Bavarian theme restaurants and bratty von Trapp singing kids. Head down to the Trinity Center on the 13th -- you can pretend to appreciate classical music, and it beats staying home and getting sued by record companies for downloading too much 50 Cent. Adult Puppetry: Slovenly Peter and Works in Progress Sedgwick Cultural Center 7137 Germantown Avenue Sat, April 12, 8 p.m. $15 adv/$18 dos (215) 248-9229 You have to be an adult to watch this puppetry. No one under 16 is admitted. Oh my, is there going to be nudity, cursing, screwing? Since when are there ratings for puppetry? I remember when Showgirls came out and everybody was like "Holy crap, Jesse Spano is getting naked and kissing some chicks." It was like porno on the big screen, so of course everyone and their mom wanted to see the nerd gone bad but no one could get in because of the rating. One day, my friend came in to class and said " I saw it. That's right I got in." He thought he was so cool, but he was not. Trust me. He was also the same friend who, after hooking up with his girlfriend in the bathroom, told us all to smell his finger. Family Puppetry: Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimy Sedgwick Cultural Center 7137 Germantown Avenue Sun, April 13, 3 p.m. $10 (215) 248-9229 Family Puppetry? As opposed to Adult Puppetry? Well it's for the family so it's no Showgirls, but wouldn't it be funny if they were all waiting to see a rendition of fairy tales and saw porn instead. All the little kids seeing some guy with a hard on. Oh wait. Disney does that. If These Hips Could Talk (musical) Merriam Theatre 250 South Broad Street April 15- April 20, 8 p.m. Having birthing hips may seem to some of you like a burden. I mean, we do have issues with pants that aren't the stretch kind, or the ones that have the side-slant pockets that stretch open when you put them on. Ugh, I hate that. But, frankly, when I have kids, I will be in so much less pain than you. Not to mention the fact that your hips will spread like a girl on her wedding night... and then you're going to look really abnormal. Ha. If my hips could talk they would laugh at your non-hips. So there.