Listings: Concerts

Everclear Electric Factory 421 North 7th Street Thu, April 17, 8 p.m. $16.50 adv/ $18.50 dos www.ticketmaster.com In honor of Spring Fling last weekend, my friends and I attempted injecting Everclear into oranges we had stolen from 1920 Commons. Though the attempts were futile due to the unavoidable truth that citrus fruits are already saturated with luscious nectar, the experiment was worth the gushing streams that poured from the other holes of the fruit, whose skin had been impregnated in several locations. I recommend this method of imbibing, especially if you need to sneak intoxicants into the Quad during next year's Fling. Yo La Tengo The Trocadero 1003 Arch Street Fri, April 18, 8 p.m. $15 www.thetroc.com I remember hearing the name of the band thinking they are going nowhere with that name. I mean who in the world knows Spanish but me and my mommy. Well that's when Ricky Martin burst on to the scene with his vida loca, and J. Lo's big-ass butt had us all convinced butts are better than boobies. Well, I am not butt-endowed, so I'm not even going to begin on how offensive that stereotype is but back to the point. If you don't know what Yo La Tengo means and you think every Hispanic person comes from Puerto Rico or Mexico head to the Yo La Tengo show and have them teach you some Spanish. Evanessance Electric Factory 421 North 7th Street Fri, April 18, 8:30 p.m. $15 www.ticketmaster.com The other day this girl I know was listening to that MTV radio thing on her computer, and this one song comes up that I thought was really lame, so I say to her, "Who is that?" and she responds, "Evanessance." That was my first experience with Evanessance. I can't tell you if it s group or just that one girl, and I can't tell you the names of any of their songs, but I can tell you that Evanessance comes MTV approved. Ooooo, can you just feel the goosebumps now? Lil' Romeo Liacorous Center 1776 North Broad Street Fri, April 18, 7:30 p.m. $27.50-$32.50 www.ticketmaster.com I'm not sure which famous rapper's kid Lil' Romeo is, but does it really make a difference? Master P, Snoop Dogg, ODB, whatever. Either way, this kid has it made. He really makes me want to be a rapper's kid. I mean, he gets to call himself Lil', he has his own car and he can't even drive, and he totally gets to hang out with like the coolest people. It's like Chris Rock said: "The ODB couldn't have possibly committed all those crimes. Coolio did some of that shit." Ain't it the truth? Fling in the Spring -- Street Corner Harmony Spectacular Kimmel Center 260 South Broad Street Sat, April 19, 8 p.m. $10-$75 (215) 790-5883 www.kimmelcenter.org I know you got trashed for Spring Fling but don't get excited. This isn't one of those events. There won't be any deep-fried Oreos. Who the hell came up with that bright idea? There is already a half inch layer of lard in between the cookies. Maybe at this show you can relax listening to the oldies music you never once liked in the first place even drunk during Fling, except for that one song in My Best Friend's Wedding. Don't play dumb. Widespread Panic Tower Theater 69th and Ludlow Streets Sat, April 19, 8 p.m. $32 adv/ $34 dos Panic?! Oh my, what do I do? This is like me at 10 in the morning thinking ten more minutes as the fire alarm starts to go off. Screw you, fire alarm! I'm going to chill in bed as my roommate hits the shower. OK, so like a complete asshole I got up and made a mad dash for my clothes. I left almost without brushing my teeth. Yes, I did do the finger brush. Who hasn't brushed their teeth without a brush? Ben Kweller Theater of Living Arts 334 South Street Thu, April 17, 9 p.m. $12 www.ticketmaster.com The inferior cousin of his musical kin in Folds Five, Kweller hails from a Podunk suburb of Dallas, Texas. His guitar solos and serene vocal inflections place him at about the qualitative median of indie-rock dudes. Although I tend to think he sounds more like Joan Baez than Linus of Hollywood, if you dig Homunculus you should truly absorb the sonorous frequencies of this gifted avatar. Understand that the good intentions of this naive songwriter will make even the most combat hardened fan euphoric beyond belief. North Mississippi All Stars Theater of Living Arts 334 South Street Fri, April 18, 9 p.m. $15 www.ticketmaster.com I don't think I've ever had the displeasure of meeting someone from Mississippi, but I've never met many people from many places. Have you ever been lucky enough to meet anyone from Alaska because I don't think it's really as cold as they make it out to be. Stop lying we know it gets hot out there. And Hawaii? There can't possibly be a lot of hot chicks and hot weather there. Damn you, hot chicks with leis. The Sea & Cake Theater of Living Arts 334 South Street Sat, April 19, 9 p.m. $15 www.ticketmaster.com I remember when Cake came out with that one song about racing cars or something. Then that video came out with that guy who was dancing like he was black but in fact he was white. The funniest of course the lawyer doing the running man. My brother used to pay me to do the running man, well at least he promised me he'd pay me and have my whole family watch me. Then he would laugh. Insane Clown Posse Electric Factory 421 North 7th Street Sat, April 19, 8:30 p.m. $22 adv/$25 dos www.ticketmaster.com Some of my friends claim to have visited one of their concerts in the past, yet I am always filled with skepticism when they pretend that the rap-rockers actually make real music. Could any self-respecting music lover possibly appreciate the absolute filth that these performance artists cartoonishly display? Eminem clearly understands that these dogs are just clownin' when they douse their audiences with their favorite flavors of Faygo soda. Pyromaniac, chainsaw-wielding Detroit natives, the show ought to leave you charred, thirsty for more shots of lighter fluid, and drained of your sanity. The Temptations Keswick Theatre 291 North Keswick Avenue Wed, April 23, 8 p.m. $46 www.keswicktheatre.com Whenever I think of the Temptations, I am always reminded of their song, "My Girl." Of course, when I think of that song, I think of the movie My Girl, and then I sit alone on my room and cry. Why, do you ask? Well, the reasons are three-fold. One, Macaulay Culkin dies at the end of it you cold heartless bastard, that's why. Two, it reminds me of the innocent days of Macaulay, back before the drama, and three, who doesn't cry when they hear "My Girl?" It's like... classic. Ron Sexsmith Theatre of Living Arts 334 South Street Wed, April 23, 8 p.m. $25 (215)922-1011 www.ticketmaster.com With a last name like Sexsmith, you can expect this show to be nothing less than spectacular. Plus, Mr. Sexsmith is kind of cute in a dorky-singer-songwriter kind of way, and both my friends and my mom have told me that I love the dorks, so that's perfect. He's into alternative-country, which sounds really good, you know, being an alternative to country, but I refuse to remark on the quality of this man's musical performance. He's a dork, and that's all I need to know.