Culture

Berks County Shocktoberfest 100 Park Avenue Sinking Spring, Pa. Daily, 6:30 p.m.-10 p.m., $3-$20 (610) 375-7273 First off, it's still September. Why is an October bash in SEPTEMBER? Whatever, it's Philly. Blood, guts, violence and gore... Yeah, this self-proclaimed "kid-friendly" theme park is the perfect place to take your budding seven year old for some good ol' fashioned thrills and chills. Remember Dr. Giggles? I saw that when I was seven and developed a universal hatred towards all doctors. And his spawn, Dr. Demento, is here to add you to his collection of medical mistakes. If mutilated freaks, fire-eating zombies, and a "killer DJ that spins Top 40 hits" don't float your boat, there's always the Biohazard Hayride... Now that's a scream. Andrea KrUpp: Watercolors Artists' House 57 N. Second Street All week, 12 p.m. - 5 p.m., Free (215) 923-8440 http://www.artistshouse.com The biggest problem I have with watercolors is that they get all over your hands, face, legs and genitals. Luckily Andrea has been practicing for the past 50 or so years, so she only messes up her hands. She will teach you a few things about bush strokes -- er, brush strokes -- and maybe you'll be a little more competent with your coloring. Betz Green: Drawings Artists' House 57 N. Second Street All week, 12 p.m. - 5 p.m., Free (215) 923-8440 http://www.artistshouse.com Remember back to drawing dirty stick figures in class, doodling on the margins of your papers, and praying that the teacher you had a crush on wouldn't be able to see it? Okay, that was yesterday and the only dirty thing is your mind because you are too inept to put any of your sick thoughts on paper. Betz Green is one motivated woman -- she's been mastering her craft for the past 200 years. This wobbly woman will show you a thing or two -- about art. A Date With Mars Fels Planetarium 222 North 20th Street Franklin Institute Mon. through Fri. 11 a.m., 2:15 p.m., 3:15 p.m., Sat. and Sun. 11 a.m., 1:15 p.m., 3:15 p.m., $12.75 (215) 448-1200 Philadelphia is home to the soft pretzel. Mmm, pretzel. The pretzels are soft and chewy, and have been touched by lots of unwashed hands. It's a disease free-for-all. But let's get philosophical for a moment: "Look at the salt on this pretzel... Now look at the stars... They say the stars are just billions of tons of hot gas... but I think they're just God's salt.. and God's just waiting to eat us." I can't hardly wait. Yum. Civil Engineering: Philadelphia Philadelphia International Airport 8800 Essington Avenue Daily, Free (215) 937-6800 OK, let's look at the facts -- this exhibit is at the airport. Either the airport is trying to improve its reputation, or it's stuuuuuupid. So if you go, remember: no knives, no guns and no tweezers. Wear comfortable shoes free of bombs and prepare to wait in lines longer than your mom. Owned! Be sure to hit on the fat girl with the big-ass zit on her nose. She's hot. Airports can be fun dating zones. Uhh, Houston, we have an ugly problem. George Gershwin Alone Prince Music Theater 1412 Chestnut Street Sun, 2 p.m., 8 p.m., $25-$45 (215) 569-9700 http://www.princemusictheater.org Poor Gershwin. He was one of the most accomplished artists of all time, now dead for 60 years, and the best idea that the Prince Music Theater could muster was to leave the man alone on stage for three hours. In the spirit of Weekend at Bernie's, without the redundancy of Weekend at Bernie's 2, comes GG Alone. That's GG, not Gigli, also spelled f-l-o-p. I'd at least put sunglasses on poor George this time. Those theater people never learn. Caf‚ Puttanesca: Ladies Lick Their Postwar Wounds Arden Theatre 40 N. Second Street Sun, 2 p.m., 8 p.m., $34-$40 (215) 922-1122 http://www.ardentheatre.org This is a play about loose women who formerly served officers with sexual favors, reminiscing in a post-1945 caf‚. It takes place in the "intimate confines" of the Arcadia stage. Hmmm, plays about sex workers and intimate confines on the f.k.a. Beaver stage. Nope, there's nothing funny there. Sorry, I'm not writing a guide for you on this one. It's really just too difficult to find anything to mock. (Beavis voice) Huhhh huhhh! He said, "Mock." Huhhh huhhh! Huhhh huhhh! Eric McDade: More Exercises in Self-Pity Philadelphia Art Alliance 251 S. 18th Street Tue, 11 a.m.-5 p.m., $5 donation suggested (215) 545-4302 http://www.philartalliance.org Hey, is there any Prozac lying around for this guy? Cheer up, buddy. Maybe your art actually will sell some day, you never know. Get out there, buy yourself a lady for the night, and engage in some illicit activities. It always makes me feel better. Except for now. Five rehab sessions more, you can bet you'll find me first in line for this exhibit.