The Sky Tonight Fels Planetarium Franklin Institute 222 North 20th Street Through Dec. 31, 1:15 p.m., $12.75 (215) 448-1388
When was the last time you ever went to a planetarium? It was probably third grade, and you would try to listen carefully to what the mysterious voice was saying about constellations, but all your idiot classmates kept talking about G.I. Joe and whores. You'd tell them to shut up, but then they would beat you until you could see Spindleshanks, the magic elf who turns shoelaces into gold. Ah Spindleshanks, you truly are the king of mystery.
Devil With a Hammer in His Head Rosenbach Museum and Library 2010 Delancey Place Through Feb. 29, 2004, 10 a.m.-5 p.m., $5 (215) 732-1600 http://www.rosenbach.org
This event could either be one of two things: some sort of reference to the Devil in American folklore, or as this guide will argue, one of many new outposts of Neo-McCarthyism across the nation. Clearly, the work on display here is meant not only to demonize the working classes, but more stealthily to endorse the blind hatred of all things Communist. Do your part to keep the Reds out of the good old U.S. of A., and see this display. Remember, God hates the Ruskies, and so should you.
Csilla Sadloch Schmidt Dean Gallery 1710 Sansom Street All week, 10:30 a.m.-6 p.m., Free (215) 569-9433
You'd think that with an entire exhibit dedicated the floral act, that their might be more vaginal imagery. Why? The female organ is very often linked with flowers. Something to do with openness and black holes. I don't really get it myself. Mostly, Csilla doesn't realize that his/her/it's name is fairly unpronounceable and that we just don't get it. Her name might be unhappy, but her exhibit is silly and unpredictable.
Money In Motion Federal Reserve Bank of Philadelphia 10 Independence Mall (Sixth Street) All week, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Free (800) 372-1220
So, I thought this was going to be about the Mint, another Philadelphia staple. Which is almost as important as Rocky or the cheesesteak. That being said, this is pretty much the biggest bank. I think that's right. This display is pretty cool. Oh look, there it goes. Help, stop, my wallet is running away! I was just about to buy a new pair of crotchless panties, but my bills skipped out on me. Fuck!
Bobby Puleo: These Eyes Have Eyes Space 1026 1026 Arch Street All week, 11 a.m.-6 p.m., Free (215) 574-7630
Those eyes have eyes, these eyes have eyes. And the eyes that have eyes even have more eyes still. I'm so creeped out! Stop watching me, beady ones! Ahhh! Bobby Puleo's exhibit took a turn for the horrendously bizarre when he began super-gluing eyes on his paintings. He started with his pet cat, Whiskers, and then moved on to his gold fish. Pretty soon, this sick dementoid had nothing better to do then slice and dice neighbors just for their seeing apparel. Yikes.
Showgirls of Magic Brighton Avenue & Boardwalk Atlantic City, N.J. All Week, 8 p.m., $19.95 (609) 340-4000 http://www.tropicana.net
The nomenclature of this particular event begs the question: what showgirls aren't made of magic? Because if there are any, I sure as Sam don't want to know. Pretty pretty showgirls, how I appreciate you and your salacious curves. Please marry me. We can have beautiful stripper children who will prance around in the flowers and sing to the Egyptian sun god, Ra. This blissful stripper future could only be made better by a concomitant rise in the robo-whore population.
Night Fright at Philadelphia Zoo The Philadelphia Zoo 3400 W. Girard Avenue Thu, 5:30 p.m.-9:30 p.m., $25 (215) 243-1100 When I first skimmed the title of this event, I thought it read "Knife Fight at the Philadelphia Zoo." I hope such an event would involve monkeys or baboons that fight to the death with ninja blades of their own choosing. When one contender kills the other, he marks his territory. Incidentally, it's only a matter of time before I find myself in this sort of scenario, except it will be me versus twenty models who don't want to murder me, but instead sex me up.
Moises Kaufman, Author of The Laramie Project Logan Hall G17 249 S. 36th Street Thu, 7 p.m., $5
When first reading the headline for "The Laramie Project," I thought to myself, "Wow. Someone did a project on the Simpsons cigarette company!" Little did I know, the project is actually a serious play about the death of Matthew Shepard. And that's when I ran out of jokes to make. An accomplished playwright and director, Kaufman has been described by Time as "One of the men that is changing the cultural landscape of the country." Lucky for you, he's giving a lecture!
2003 Gravyfest Contest Wachovia Center 3601 S. Broad Street. Sun, 11 a.m.-3 p.m., Free (215) 336-3600
Yeah gravy, I love you. I'm assuming this contest is in preparation for Thanksgiving and not some alternative holiday celebrating goopy shit you pour on turkey. Let's all pray for the best, and thank the Indians for being completely na‹ve. Face it, altruism doesn't put stuffing or gravy, on the table: it only serves up a bunch of Thanksgiving corpses. This has been your morbid dose for the day.
Underwater Archeology Independence Seaport Museum 211 S. Columbus Boulevard Sat, 12 p.m.-5 p.m., $8 (215) 925-5439
As an anthropology major, I have had far too much experience with bones. Like in last class when I whipped it out and starting whacking, that was pretty bone-a-fide. But, underwater. That was spec-friggin'-tacular. The reception on the underwater TV was a little fuzzy, mostly due to the fact that the electric eels don't pump out much power. Also, dude, I don't have any idea what archaeology is, I was just jerking your chain. Ha ha!
Phantasmagoria: A Masked Ball Woodmere Art Museum 9201 Germantown Avenue Sat, 7 p.m.-11 p.m., $125-$500 (215) 247-0476
Ever since seeing Eyes Wide Shut, my mental delineation of the masked ball is just that it is a creepy facade for cloaked orgy action. I sure hope just like the movie, the only song they play is Dominic Harlan's "Musica Ricercata No. 2." If you do go to this ball, just make sure to know the secret password, "Mr. Bojangles." Once you get in, don't stay too long or else you will become either their catatonic sex toy or their eunuch-butler.
