Right Thurrrsdays With Lowbeezy 700 Club 700 N. Second Street Thu, 9 p.m., Free (215) 413-3181
Chingy, I salute you. Your bitch ass joins with the countless other fools who triple R it. The likes of which -- Christina Aguilera and Bubba Sparxxx among them -- are holding down scarcely a third grade education. Yet, you have risen to the challenge. Boldly going where only a couple of dirty freaks have gone. Poor Lowbeezy. He double E's it and looks like a little chump. At least he's got a Z. Bizzle! Yeah, Chingster, where's your Z? You make me sick.
Bitch Saturdays Transit 600 Spring Garden Street Sat, 10 p.m., $10 (215) 925-8878
The key to this event is amassing the bitchiness of a week's worth of hard work and no ass, culminating in a huge orgy. This, and every, Saturday, you may find any number of bitches sucking back on Granpappy's sweet swill. Let your conscience be your guide as any number of lesbian experiences are likely -- and have occurred before. The best part of this event, other than the Pod-like atmosphere or the parade of bitchiness is that anyone with a serious misogyny issue, has an entire room of bitches on which he may unleash a brutal hellstorm. Oh shit!
Release the Bats: A Dracula Film and Cultural Festival Rosenbach Museum and Library 2010 Delancey Place All week, Times Vary, $8.50 (215) 732-1600
It's that time of the year again. The time when you can get completely crazy and dress up like a blood-sucking... lawyer. Or, you could just suck face. Well, double double toil and trouble. This exhibit is going to release a squadron of blood-lusting bats all over your bitch ass. Sickest thing is that you actually shell out nearly nine big ones for these little ones to bite off your face and claw at your genital regions. They are bat-stards!
Pumpkinland Harvest Festival Linvilla Orchards 137 W. Knowlton Road Media, Pa. Thu & Fri, 9 a.m.-8 p.m., Free (610) 876-7116 http://www.linvilla.com/pumpkinland.htm
Who doesn't like a nice, giant pumpkin? I'll tell you who: the victims of the arch-villain Pumpkinhead. Of course, we all know that Pumpkinhead is a demon from hell sent to enact bloody revenge on the enemies of whoever summons him. One suggestion: stay out of his way. I am definitely guilty of having Pumpkinhead envy. Sometimes I like to put a pumpkin on my head and run into first grade classrooms with a scythe in hand, yelling, "Fear me, for I am Pumpkinhead!" Then I eat all the crayons and get the hell out of there.
Jack-O-Lantern Exhibit Linvilla Orchards 137 W. Knowlton Rd Media, Pa. Thu, 6-8 p.m., Free (610) 876-7116
Stream-of-consciousness here we go: The pumpkin was round and orange and as we walked along from house to house, they really started to scare me. I didn't know what I was scared about. It really could have been anything, especially my friend's face. He is such a horrible person, I call him my friend because really what else would I call him? And those damn pumpkins, but, really, orange isn't something that is in my closet because my stylist says it doesn't go well with my hair. Mmm, chocolate.
Halloween Haunting Party With Speed Brownies 23 East 23 E. Lancaster Ave Ardmore, Pa. Fri, 10 p.m., $5 (610) 649-8389
The last time I did drugs, I ended up mumbling, lost, and on 51st and God knows where. You can bet that this experience will leave me no better. I'm hitting up the Oct. 31 bash, but better yet: I'm hitting it with speed. It's gonna be like, whoa! Totally! Ahhh! I'm out of control already. It's speed-tactulasticar! That's a word, right? Yay! Yay! Yay! I'm totally whacked out. Remember, take the green pill with the red pill, just because the man in the white coat tells you to. Craz
