For juniors and seniors, the end is near; and it's pretty dark. You've probably spent three years immersing yourself in the demography of cocaine use in east Angola in the 19th Century only to realize now that no one cares. The appeal of learning for some sense of personal edification has given way to the imminent destitution that awaits you this May. What first appeared as a glorified-corporate-summer-camp-bullshit-of-an-education at the mere cost of $36,000 (i.e. Whoretown) now reveals itself as the price of admission for a financial future. Penn taunts us with a liberal arts education and then beleaguers our senior year e-mail inboxes with job openings that will all go to that one girl (you know who you are) because she took Business Plan Implementation while you were in Italian History and Film. But this disgruntled college kid digresses. For the fortunate who are preselected for interviews, we here at Street want to give those readers a leg up in the competition. With on campus recruiting comes some difficult interviews testing an applicant's ability to think logically in high-pressure situations. Our spies have covertly accessed a transcript of a Bain Consulting interview between Bartholomew Aaron "Inchy" Nevatalova and Penn student Patrick Ethan Navatoo Nobooboo. We hope that all of us can learn from Patty's experience. Good luck.
BAIN: Hello PENN, how are you today?
PENN: Great, thanks. I've really looked forward to this interview. I've been practicing on Clyde Frog and Doggy Go-Go all week.
BAIN: And who are they?
PENN: My stuffed animals. Oh, but they're great at practicing case interviews. Like, Clyde Frog asked me this one yesterday: "You have a book of matches and two fuses that take 30 minutes to burn. Using only the matches and fuses how can you tell when four minutes has passed?" I never did figure out the answer, but I did burn my school down.
BAIN: Interesting. Shows initiative. Tell me, why do you want to work for Bain?
PENN: Well, I really like how you are different because you do the same thing that everyone else does. And in reality, you do nothing.
BAIN: Ah, I see. And what is a personal weakness?
PENN: I am a perfectionist. For example, it takes me, like, 40 minutes to buy trash bags at Freshgrocer.
BAIN: Wow. That shows fastidiousness. Also, a keen appreciation for the plasticity of plastics. [Haughty laughter.] Ah, me. Oh, that reminds me of this one time at the club when my eldest Alistair interrupted a rather stirring match of Candy Land to bespeak, "Oh, father. Wherefore hath all thine bunny rabbits deigned hideaway this hallowed eve?" Ah, my Alistair. But I digress. Let's try a case. How many umbrellas are there in China?
PENN: Assume there are 500 million households in China. Each household has one umbrella during dry season. Retailers stock 0.25 umbrellas per household, netting 125 million umbrellas in retail outlets. Finally, International umbrella manufacturers in China hold 100 million umbrellas in inventory. In total, there are 725 million umbrellas in China.
BAIN: Sorry. It was a trick question: Commies don't believe in rain. Let's try an easier one. You come home from work, open your refrigerator and find a piece of cake. It is not yours and you have no clue how it got there. What do you do?
PENN: Assuming that I have no roommates, I will close the refrigerator and reopen it five times to make sure that the cake actually exists. Every time I see the cake I'll yell, "WHEEEE!" Then, I'll cry. Then, I'd call my mom and say something like, "Yo, Batch. Wha da heezy wit dis cakeezi? I comes ta da hizzouse and opens da refrizzy and sees dis cazizzy bazizzy flamingizzy. Shitizzi." She'd tell me what to do.
BAIN: Shlerp! Yo shizzle is correctafizzle. MOUSE IN DA HOUSE! We here at Bain appreciate one's awareness for the need to seek outside help. Nice work. Moving on, you're standing in the parlor with Colonel Mustard. He has a candlestick. You have the noose. So, what color are my eyes?
PENN: Your eyes? You just closed them. I don't know. I don't notice those things.
BAIN: Good. Good answer. Why is my hand now on your thigh?
PENN: I don't know. I don't notice those things.
BAIN: Good. Good answer. Next question. During the Homecoming football game, how many quarters are there in Franklin Field?
PENN: Two quarters in a half. Two halves in a game. Four quarters.
BAIN: Hmmmm. In the term "quarters," there is an overtone of a signification that is spatial. We shall not try to eliminate this from the temporal conception for such an overtone is also implied in the cointessence, insofar as it factitively exists. Thereby, "quarters" shall constitute "coins constituting the sum of twenty tenths and the singular fifth whereby the agency constituted between yourself and me insofar finds inhabitance in the constituted United States of America."
PENN: Well, when one is primarily and even exclusively oriented toward remotenesses as measured distance of the primordial spatiality of being-in as is concealed. That which is presumably "closest" is by no means that which is at the smallest distance "from us." It lies in that which is desevered to an average extent when we reach for it, grasp it, or even look at it. Final answer: 7,600 quarters.
BAIN: Great. This will be my final question. What would you say if I spit in your face?
PENN: Thank you sir, may I have another?
BAIN: Fantastic! Well, I'm very impressed. You're hired.
INTERVIEW TAKEAWAYS:
1) When questions get tough, don't lose your composure. Take a moment to think about the question and answer it to the best of your ability.
2) If you are asked for a personal weakness, ALWAYS say that you are a perfectionist... because everyone else will. And if you don't, you are a schnook. That's game theory, baby. Play the game or be super-lame.
3) WHEEEE! MOUSE IN DA HOUSE!
