The Man Who Made The Monitor
American Swedish Museum
1900 Pattison Avenue
Through Dec. 28, 10 a.m-4 p.m., $6
(215) 389-1776
http://www.americanswedish.org
The thing that I like best about college is the total dearth of hall monitors. I mean what the hell, how does anyone get that job? The nomenclature of this event seems to indicate that it will provide some insight into that particular question. After all, behind every tool, there is a puppeteer. Just like Bush and Cheney, or even more relevant to our every day lives, Judith Rodin and Kermit the Frog. Sure, everyone thinks they love Kermit, but they don't know the rapacious green monster that lies underneath.
Savor the Reds: Beaujolais Nouveau Festival
Loews Philadelphia Hotel
1200 Market Street
Thu, 6 p.m.-8:30 p.m., $60
(215) 627-1200
I cannot pronounce Beaujolais, let alone spell it correctly. Reminds me of Bengals, which are tigers. Luckily that's not important to our cause. The task: savor the Reds. Yes, the Cincinnati baseball team. They won the World Series about a decade ago. Come on guys, somebody help me. Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? OK, well, no one really cares about the Reds. But at least it's not the Bengals. Jon Kitna to Chad Johnson... touchdown! Savor that!
Black Out: Glow In The Dark Group Show
Space 1026
1026 Arch Street
All week, 11 a.m.-6 p.m., Free
(215) 574-7630
I remember the last time I blacked out. Or at least, my friends remember the last time. See, I was watching Donnie Darko, a wonderfully delightful flick containing the scariest butt-monkey rabbit I have ever seen in my life. I lay next to my sweet thang, caressing her shoulder with my head. And then, right before the movie ended I passed out. Er, blacked out. I woke up naked, covered in jello, soup, and my own vomit. Never trust a hooker, especially not on Halloween.
Beautiful Thing
Temple University/Randall Theater
13th and Norris Streets
Thu, Call for times
(215) 204-1122
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog once exclaimed, "She was quite a beautiful thing... for me to poop on!" Agreed, Triumph, but what about that rack, those tender thighs and that sweet sweet ass? Wasn't she a thing of beauty? And aren't all women things when it comes down to it? I don't know, but I usually keep mine tied up next to my lawnmower and under my porno collection. Silly bitch. What does beautiful even mean? I can't read.
Ed Bing Lee: Fiber
Works Gallery
303 Cherry Street
Tue-Sat, 10 a.m.-6 p.m., Free
(215) 922-7775
What follows is a quickly-ending set of old people jokes: Eat your fiber, oldies. It's your only chance to be regular. You smell bad, you have hair in your ears and not on your head, and you are going to die soon. You can't eat solid foods and your grandchildren use you for money. Mostly you are just old and wrinkly and I want to kill you. My band's name is Fancy Ketchup and our first single is "Old People Suck." Go figure.
Chain Link Fence
Adrienne Theatre -- Playground
2030 Sansom Street
All week, 8 p.m., $20
(215) 563-4330
You know what Ren always tells Stimpy, "Don't whiz on the electric fence." Why, you might ask. Because about 10,000 volts will hit you harder than your stepmom beat you. That sucks. Anyways, Chain Link Fence is going around to playgrounds and stepping on all the free, dirty needles so that your five year old doesn't have to. They are such good people, they are so outgoing and theatre-loving. Another alternate and poor spelling of theater. Damn.
Sabati Sagra
Italian Market
South Ninth Street Between Christian and Wharton Streets
Fri, 10 a.m.-4 p.m., Free
(215) 334-6008
From my limited experience with the Italian Department, Sabati is the plural of Saturday. So, Saturdays. And Sagra. Well, we didn't exactly learn that, so you are on your own. Italians love their markets, and I personally love meat. Italian meat. And porn. Italian porn. So, combining all of these into Sabati Sagra has GOT to be the bestest. I'm aiming at proficiency, yet doing my best with stupidity. Gahhhhh!
Ironwork Exhibition
Rosenwald-Wolf Gallery
University of the Arts
333 South Broad Street
All week, 12 p.m.-5 p.m., Free
(215) 717-6480
There's this kid with a head too big for his body named Brian Rosenwald, and he owns this gallery. Wolves live near him and in tribute he named his gallery the Rosenwald-Wolf. Their leader Ogerbill and his wench Melinda do everything in their power to imprison me and my barbaric friends. Luckily, we have begun an intensive drive to fashion the iron that will take them down and allow the Rosenwalds to maintain their dominance on Broad Street.
Bright Lights City Nights Walking Tour
16th St. and JFK Boulevard
Sat, 7 p.m., $8
Everyone remembers Bright Lites from back in the day. I used to love that toy until I accidentally swallowed some pieces and started choking. Instead of giving me the Heimlich or calling for help, my sister just pointed and laughed. I started to get frantic, but then all of a sudden as though in a dream, I saw Fleshyflanks, the magical fairy made of beef. Fleshyflanks used her jerky wand to cease my choking. Then I ate her head.
Tom McDonnell Magician
Please Touch Museum
210 N. 21st St.
Sat, 11 a.m., 1p.m., 3 p.m., $8.95
(215)-963-0666
http://www.pleasetouchmuseum.org
The darkest day of my young life occurred when I was a rosy-cheeked nubile eight year old at Magic Day Camp. I was up on stage performing for the counselors and the other kids, and about to perform the trick that can only be referred to as "Make My Parents Not Dead Anymore." Well, it sure did work, but they were both jerks to me, which reminded me why I killed them in the first place.
Pleasure Club
The Khyber
56 S. 2nd Street
Thu, 9 p.m., $8, 21+
(215) 238-5888
http://www.thekhyber.com
I brought my entire stash of whips, chains and leather outfits to the last Pleasure Club show. I was promptly thrown out of the club. "Is there some sort of secret handshake?" I asked. "Get out of here, you pervert," they responded. "I'm just looking for love," I said. "I'm gonna punch your brain if you don't leave," they said. I cried all the way home before realizing that Pleasure Club was in fact a post-punk band and that I was sadly still a pervert.
Brown Couch
Grape Street Pub
105 Grape Street
Thu, 8 p.m.
(215) 483-7084
http://www.grapestreetpub.com
I have a brown couch. Every household has a brown couch. The only difference between my couch and your couch is that mine used to be white. And it's not brown all over, either. Last week, my friend played a clever prank on me. He added a little special treat to my morning coffee. I sat down on my couch after taking a few sips of coffee and then suddenly had the urge to take a shih-tzu for a walk. When I came back from the walk, the coffee was spilled all over the couch. The special treat my friend added was sugar, because he knows how it makes me crazy. Brown Couch, the band, is the sugar in your coffee.
The Classifieds
Club 218 (Malokai's)
218 South Street
Fri, 9 p.m.
http://www.club218.com
I saw this band play at a November 1st show at Phi Kappa Psi fraternity. They played a bunch of covers and some new stuff, and throughout they were upbeat and rocking. I couldn't say I remember the show so well thanks to a heavy dose of THC, but I liked the experience. The Classifieds don't just mean The Yellow Pages or The White Pages anymore, they mean fun. Now head on to 218 or Ross's friend will be mad! Giddy up!
Peter, Paul, & Mary
Kimmel Center
260 Broad Street
Sat, 8 p.m., $20-$68
(215) 790-5800
http://www.kimmelcenter.org
"Are you a pothead, Focker?" Hands down the movie with the most awkward sense of humor is Meet the Parents. I could sit here and just quote from the movie for the entire guide. I could, but I won't. And if you are still reading at this point, I love you. Who knew Peter, Paul and Mary were still around? What is going on here? You don't see the Rolling Stones still touring or making records. I think I'm going to ask for "Puff the Magic Dragon" to be played at my funeral. Not because of the drug undertones, but because Puff is such a friendly dragon. "I have nipples, Focker, can you milk me?"
Jump, Little Children
North Star
2639 W. Poplar Street
Tues, 9 p.m., $10
(215) 684-0808
http://www.northstarbar.com
If there was one band I could choose to like, it would be Jump, Little Children. The reason I don't have that choice is all explained in The Matrix: Revolutions, which you still won't understand if you see it. If I had control over my own decisions, I would like this band. Not because of the music, but because of the girls. Every hot girl on the face of the planet owns a JLC shirt. I don't know if they like the band, and I don't care if they like the band. Maybe they just liked the colors of the t-shirt. The point is, I need to buy a shirt.
John Wesley Harding
Tin Angel
20 S. 2nd Street
Wed, 8:30 p.m., $18
(215) 928-0770
http://www.tinangel.com
Anything even remotely related to the movie High Fidelity automatically gets my stamp of approval. I literally have a stamp that says "approval." It's shiny and glows in the dark. Sometimes when I'm lonely at night, I stamp myself all over my body to feel special. Before the movie came out, I was just an ignorant schoolboy listening to the wonderful vocal stylings of chart toppers. Then I heard the track "I'm Wrong About Everything" by John Wesley Harding. I instantly threw my Backstreet Boys singles in a fire and have never looked back.
Manitoba / Broadcast
First Unitarian Church
2125 Chestnut Street
Wed, 8 p.m., $10
(800) 594-TIXX
http://www.r5productions.com
Along with acts like Dntel, Boards of Canada, Four Tet, and more, this Manitoba cat is the future of "intelligent dance music." While his first album was dripping with blissed out, even if somewhat pedestrian beats, his newest, Up in Flames, is one of the most unique and accessible albums to come out this year. His new sound layers twee-IDM with My Bloody Valentine and '60s pop references. In other words, you haven't heard anything like him before, as he is the bucket o-shiggity-diznit.
Vancouver Canucks vs. Philadelphia Flyers
Wachovia Center
3601 S. Broad Street
Thu, 7 p.m., Prices vary
(215) 336-3600
Can the Canucks! Can the Canucks! Pathetic Flyers and your pathetic ideas for chants. If you were original and came up with something truly clever like Fuck Canada, I'd be mighty impressed. If you had an entire stadium chanting in unison that Canada should be fucked, now that would be mighty funny. Too bad I am too poor to purchase tickets to this particular match. That is mighty sad.
San Antonio Spurs vs. Philadelphia 76ers
Wachovia Center
3601 S. Broad Street
Fri. 8 p.m., Prices vary
(215) 336-3600
Does Robinson still play for the Spurs? I dunno. I think that thug-life Iverson would be able to pimpslap the old man, though. Allen may be only six-foot or so, and David might be topping seven, but you can't account for the ferocity. We'd all rather be watching the Lakers play, given that they have Gary Payton and what what what... Karl MA-friggin-LONE! And some fools named Kobe and Shaq. They are just fools with no name.
