Interscope Gospel Records Party
Bitches and Ho's
1993 City Of Compton
Fri, thank God It's Friday, 40 oz. Olde English 800
(215) 417-DYKE
What happened to Death Row? Bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks. Well, this time God told me that in Oaktown, 2pac is still alive. Of course he is. He's on his 50th record since he fuckin' died. Slow. Five shots couldn't drop you, you claimed to take it and smile. Are you smiling now, bitch? With your fuckin' Versace suits, and pimped out ho wear... damn straight you are. Word to a motherfucker. 'Pac lives.
Abortions for some, tiny American flags for others
Newman Center
1800 God's Palace Lane
As long as you need one, Get One, Free with PennCard
(215) You-R-Dmd
http://www.deadfetus.com
So you and Johnny football hero got down and dirty in a hayloft somewhere off on Drexel's campus. Wait, what's our ACTUAL football hero's name? Oh yeah, Drexel doesn't have a football team. Fuckers. Why did you have to go and do that? That guy was actually on the fencing team, he was an alternate, and he had a rib surgically removed so that he could suck his own penis. He clearly didn't ever need you. Why did you have to go and do that?
The Crusades
If You Didn't Die By Plague
1400 You Are Still Rat Feces
Eternity, Stop hating Mo-fucker, Free with PennCard
(215) 573-INRI
http://www.scheisseflicks.de
Jihad? How am I supposed to meet 70!!! virgins in Heaven when I haven't met one on Earth!!! You silly bastards. What is wrong you? Seriously. I've shopped many a fine ho at Penn, and even more of those bodaciously skank-taculicious Drexel fucks. Still. Nothing. Oh yeah, and you fought all sorts of hardcore over the "Holy Land." I know the Breadbasket Colonies are important, but can't we all share?
Porn, All Night Every Night
You are being scorned
144,000 People Not Named You
Wed, 9 a.m.- 5 p.m., Your Soul
(215) 417-7556
http://www.cuntmatrix.com - it actually works!
Stop masturbating. I mean, it's clear that all you lascivious fucks would spend all your time slapping your dick against the computer room table. Clearly. But, less clear is the amount of slappage that God will do with his eternal dick on your not getting into Heaven ass. You got it. You may not go blind, you may not grow a lot of hair on your palms -- though you may have noticed some extra, huh? -- but you are doomed to eternal... sex with hookers. Ha! Take that.
The Mormon Guy Trying To Convert Spectraguards
Mayer Hall
3817 Spruce Street
All week, All day, Eternal Damnation
(215) 898-SUCK
I appreciate that the dumb fuck cares about his faith, but stop forcing it on other people. You are so quiet. You are so fucking quiet. Other people come up and swipe their fucking PennCards. Asshole!!! You are one step away from being a Jehovah's Witness. If you were, I'd invite you into my apartment for a beer and then laugh 'cause you couldn't have one. Next time make sure that your "holy mission" includes a swift kick from my foot to your ass. Jerkass!
Jesus LookAlike Contest
College Green
Dec. 25, 8 p.m., Free
http://www.ilooklikejesus.com
Have you recently died for mankind's sins? Sporting the scruffy beard that your girlfriend keeps telling you to shave? Do you have long, dark hair reminiscent of those good-natured girls from Hanson? If all these apply, you might have just what it takes to win Penn's annual Jesus Lookalike Contest. Unfortunately, due to Panhellenic rules, no one may attend. Luckily, the first annual Kevin Lo Look-alike Contest is being sponsored by yours truly. On a recent scavenger hunt, I delved into a drawer in the attic to uncover the birth certificate of a certain Devin Lo, sharing my exact birth date. After repeatedly questioning my parents about the existence of an unknown twin brother, I've decided to take matters into my own hands. This world-wide search for my long lost twin brother will take place very much like the American Idol II tryouts, but nothing like the American Idol I tryouts. So grab a friend, grab a sleeping bag and head over to the line at College Green if you think you have what it takes: a face only a mother could love.
"WWSD?" Bracelet Giveaway
Spruce College House
411 Mask and Wig
310 S. 36th Street
Fri, All day, It's a giveaway, of course it's free!
http://www.i'm-so-original.com
We've all experienced this situation: You're having a good time at FrataFrataFrata, when suddenly the friend that you came to the party with who's obviously in love with you gets a pale look on her face and says she needs to go to the bathroom. Do you (a) escort her to the bathroom and hold her hair while she throws up, (b) escort her to the bedroom and then go at her like in "Guilty Conscience" or (c) kick her in the knee and start to belt the lyrics to Eagle Eye Cherry's "Save Tonight" at the top of your lungs? In situations like this, the only reasonable choice would be to consult your trusty WWSD bracelet and ask yourself, "What would Street do?" First of all, Street would never be at a party. Street is the party. Secondly, everyone is in love with Street so that one friend is basically dismissable. And lastly, Street would never know all the words to an Eagle Eye Cherry song, because Street only listens to the Ramones. At least you have a trendy bracelet.
Christmas
Your House
Your Street
Your City, Your State
Your Phone Number
Your Website
Christmas! Everyone loves Christmas. And by everyone, I mean everyone. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Paganists; all the major religions love Christmas. Even the lesser known religions love Christmas. And why, exactly? Is it the jolly fat man with the cotton ball tipped hat? Is it the little green people with their curled shoes? Maybe it's the wonderful music that has passed the test of time. Let's not kid ourselves here. It's the presents. It's always been about the presents and it always will be about the presents. Sure, it's about the giving. But really, it's about the receiving. Who would buy presents for people if they knew they weren't getting anything in return? Maybe a few people that are "holier than thou" would still do the buying, but in the end, Christmas is all about the "scratch my back, and I'll scratch yours." So then why do non-Christmas celebrating people love Christmas? The answer is simple: Time off from school.
Jesus versus Heyzeus: You Decide
Houston Hall
Sat, 8 p.m., Free
http://www.jesusvheyzeus.com
With the recent battle between the pronunciations of caramel and karmel, a war between words has erupted. The first known mix-up with extreme consequences occurred when a small town in rural Alabama. The town experienced a public outcry for pronunciation clarification when a 12th grade teacher was taking roll in class and called for Jesus. When the student known as Heyzeus didn't respond, he was marked absent. This seemingly small mistake proved quite important because it ruined Heyzeus' four years of high school perfect attendance. At the end of the year, he was denied his golden plaque and public ceremony. Can this sort of public embarrassment continue? It's time for you to decide. Come to Houston Hall with your golf pencils, and vote for the correct pronunciation. Representatives from Webster's, Inc. will be present to officiate the poll and make the necessary adjustments to their popular dictionary. Don't stand by and let another victim fall to the wrath of "speaking." Think of poor Jesus/Heyzeus. End his lifetime of agony.
Bible Quizzo
Hooters
415 N. Delaware Avenue
Thu, 9 p.m., $5 Entry Fee
(215) 629-8540
Do you have 95 percent of all the Psalms from the Old Testament memorized? That's not good enough. Do you know all the Saints and their respective backgrounds? That's still not good enough. Is your favorite book the Bible and your second favorite the King James's version? Now we're getting somewhere. If you think you have what it takes to be crowned Bible Quizzo champion, grab your Bible study group and head over to Hooters. The beer flows freely, the waitresses are all good Southern Christians, and the wings are hotter than Hell. The winning team gets fifty bucks and first dibs on entry into Heaven. Just remember that the Holy One is watching and cheating is a sin. Leave your Bible crib notes at home.
The Apocalypse
4 Horsemen Lane
Tue, 10:30 p.m., $6.66
(770) DIE-SLUT
http://www.candyland.com
The Apocalypse combines angular guitar chords with a baleful church organ and a veritable cannonade of finger cymbals to create the most glorious wall of sound ever heard since Phil Spector's seminal release, I Shot Me a Ho. I saw these guys once and midway through the show the lead singer took a crap on stage and stuck a candle in it. Then he smiled at the audience and crashed his finger cymbals together, singing another anthem to burning jerks in effigy. The other three members just kept playing during the lead singer's exploits, save when they were occupied with kicking members of the audience in the testicles.
Rent, as Performed by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
123 Fake Street
Fri, 8 p.m., Your Soul
(999) HOLY-HAT
http://www.queereyeforthestraightguy.com
Put aside your Leno-style polygamy punchlines, because now the Mormons are about to reach out to a new youthful audience: Broadway style! That's right, those crazy sectaries are dusting off their dancing shoes and are up to all kinds of zany hijinks in their slightly modified production of Rent. The setting has been moved to Salt Lake City and all the gay characters have been made into pieces of lawn furniture. You can look forward to 525,600 minutes of sacrosanct proselytizing full of people getting infected the Holy Spirit instead of AIDS. Oh yeah, everyone is white too.
Plethora of Cacti
4035 Walnut Street
Sun, 11 p.m. $240 or Interesting Trades Considered
(404) 799-8598
http://www.collinsband.com
You may be wondering what exactly a band called Plethora of Cacti has to do with God. Well, that's simple, because God Himself plays keyboard and does vocals on many of the band's tracks. They have a very distinct new wave meets John Tesh sound, to which God adds his unique vocal styling. He sounds a lot like a moderately more whiney Al Green. Whenever things don't go His way, he just says, "I'm too old and too rich to do this anymore." Then God scampers away to the bathroom to powder His nose. Also in this band is a guitar player who makes Jimi Hendrix look like rhinoceros poop, and Beelzebub on the bass. Jesus plays drums.
Hunting Mimes
Forests of the Northeast
Through Feb. 29, 7 p.m.-8 p.m., $10 per mime killed
(609) 897-0525
http://www.mimesaresatan.com
Ah mimes, they truly are the holiest of God's creatures... for hunting. In these early winter months, they are typically found in the deciduous forests of the northeast. Later on in the spring they tend to migrate to the South. Regardless, your best weapon against them is to lure them near you with a lady mime. You will need to capture one from the wild, because once the male mimes approach the female, you set off all the explosives with which you hardwired her. Most likely, you won't find any of your female compatriots volunteering for that onerous task. Whether your approach be that, bayonet, pipe bomb, or high velocity scissors-in-the-eyes, now is the prime mime-killing season. Remember that an idle mime is the devil's playground.
George Carlin Solo Performance of Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
Alley behind Campus Restaurant
Through May 20, 9:30 p.m., Free without pants
(609) 799-LOVE
http://www.imscruffyandneedwork.com
Certainly, Bogus Journey paints a lurid picture of the afterlife that easily outdoes anything since the overrated Divine Comedy. Take that, Dante's pining 300-pound ghost! Sure, Bill and Ted and the rest of the Wild Stallions were important to the story, but let's face it, nothing could have happened without Rufus. But who will sing Rufus' panegyric on the day he dies? Certainly not that ostentatious Hollywood fatcat, Alex Winter. Point is, looks like Carlin himself will be getting the good word out about the film, performing it live as one grand soliloquy this week, right behind Campus Restaurant. Even if you aren't a fan of the film, come to watch all the Street writers having dirty alley sex before your voyeuristic eyes.
Make Your Own Cross
Alley behind Fresh Grocer
41st and Sansom
Thu, After Midnight, $5, Free if you bring your own sticks
(215) 7FRO-GRO
http://www.itonlytakestwostickstomakeacross.com
Starting this year, the University of Pennsylvania is lucky enough to welcome Dr. Von Nostrum from the Clinic of Belgium as visiting professor of Fine Arts. The professor is bringing with him his age-old and world-renowned technique of combining what appear to be two everyday garden-variety sticks to form a holy cross. His special formula is repsonsible for the famous crosses that adorn the Church of England, the Church of Scotland and Joe's Sunday Churchin' on Walnut. Please join Dr. Von Nostrum as he reveals his well-kept secret, unsuccessfully duplicated for countless years. Don't be the only one to miss out on this chance of a lifetime.
For Christ's Sake
Don't Do That With Your Brother
3702 Spruce Street
All your life, 9 a.m.-5 p.m., Incest
(215) DNT-DOIT
http://www.stopwatchingyourbrotherwhenhepees.com
Listen up lasses. A disturbing problem has decimated our lands: that of
watching incestual urination, and prostration without rationale or provocation. See, for all those who just don't "get" it, I mean Santa is always watching you, but so is our Lord. And, he knows what you are thinking and knows when you're awake. He knows when you've seen Timmy's winkie, so don't do that for Christ's sake. Thank you, and have a nice day.
