Across the country, the United Fellowship of Christian Rock Bands has searched to package together the greatest Christian Rock Band to grace God's earth. For what purpose you might ask? Isn't the life of a simple man all anyone should ask for? Was Jesus thinking, "Hey, screw this carpentry shit, I want to be a rock star!" Although Street doesn't have the answer to that profound question, we can unveil the lineup -- the result of months of research -- of the holiest band that will ever live. Well, next to the stellar lineup of Jesus on vocals, Paul on lead guitar, Mary on bass and Judas (who eventually sabotaged the entire project) on drums. The murder of Jesus left fans' hopes of a reunion permanently ruined, although Paul did embark on a solo tour of his own later in life.

Name: Scott Stapp

Previous Projects: Creed

Instrument: Vocals

Skills: His lyrics save souls from eternal damnation... and sell lots of records. (But hey, this is not about the money.)

Specialty: Jesus poses, particularly when he pretends to be fixed upon a crucifix.

Quote: "If I'm in this band, then fans can't sue me, because I'm like divine or something, right?"

Runner-up: Bob Dylan circa Saved

Name: Ben Moody

Previous Projects: Evanescence

Instrument: Guitar

Skills: Writing an entire album worth of songs with one riff.

Specialty: Quitting in the middle of tours.

Quote: "Boys rule, girls drool."

Runner-Up: Marcos Curiel

Name: Aaron Sands

Previous Projects: Jars of Clay

Instrument: Bass guitar

Skills: Providing the sound from way down (but not too far down).

Specialty: Picking horrendous band names.

Quote: "What if God was one of us? Just a slob like one of us?"

Runner-Up: Paul McCartney

Name: Jesse Smith

Previous Projects: Zao

Instrument: Drums

Skills: Showing his asscrack while playing.

Specialty: His mother's name is Mary.

Quote: "Jesus loved breakdowns."

Runner-Up: Tommy Lee


Comments

All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.