Street had the pleasure of chatting with 6'7", 190 pounds, Irish Catholic, sophomore campus muckraker Paul Mattus, who is currently in training for the new Penn Emergency Medical Services program. In addition to becoming the next 25-year old governor of Pennsylvania, "Tall Paul" told us about his aspirations to keep the Penn "master race" pure.
What is EMS?
EMS stands for Emergency Medical Services. We are a first line of defense between the ambulance and the medical emergency. Someone gets injured, they call 511, which forwards the information to 911, so everyone is alerted and EMT's are kind of like the condom of the operation. We're right there when you need it, and weekends and nights are when we plan on being there the most. Then the ambulance is like the birth control, cause they're always there, 24/7.
Would you ever hesitate to give mouth-to-mouth to certain types of medical emergencies?
No, I mean it's not like I'm questioning my sexuality or anything. Like if Ivanka Trump ever went down on campus, which I'm sure could happen, I'd be just as likely to give mouth-to-mouth to her as to Donald Trump. But this is just my EMT life we're talking about. There are a lot more interesting sides to the personal life of Paul Mattus.
Oh?
Absolutely, I'm a fire fighter, I've been one since I was 16. I guess the term would be "wacker" for someone like me cause I've been pretty hardcore about firefighting and EMS for a long time.
What were your experiences as a fireman like?
You know, I rode in the back of the truck, put out fires.... I mean that stuff's all well and good, but I'm kind of a social-being foremost.
Is that so?
Yeah, I'm in Theta Xi. Our frat house used to be where the Women's Center is now, but an altercation with the police moved us off campus. Then they just decided to kick us harder in the balls by making our old frat house be the Women's Center.
That's rough.
Theta Xi is a new kind of frat -- we're talking about egalitarian brotherhood. Any age, any status, we're looking for a few good guys... and NO community service, I promise that.
I know Theta Xi has a reputation for being a bit of a wild card frat... like somewhat unruly. Would you say that's an accurate depiction of your fraternity?
I don't know, maybe free-spirited is a better way to put it. We have one alum who never officially graduated from Penn. He never actually finished up his language requirement, but we granted him alumni status and he comes back and visits all the time. Actually, a Theta Xi invented Garfield the cat. We're really incredible people... and we're all big fans of Penn. Personally, I advocate Penn.
Is there anything you don't like about Penn?
That's kind of an oxymoron.
Surely there must be something.
I don't know, I guess I'm not such a fan of this new president. Honestly, I think she should go back to Princeton. Like me and Judith Rodin are buddies.
Oh yeah, that makes sense.
Judith Rodin and I hung out at her house on Halloween.
How was that?
Oh, it was a lot of fun. You know, I had my costume, which was a kilt and blue face paint because I was going as William Wallace. I hung out with J-Ro, chilled with the security guys.
Oh, you made friends with them too?
Yeah, they were decent guys. You know... I may have passed out on the couch, I may have, you know, taken a little naparoo at the president's house, but the security guys were pretty chill about informing me when I had overstayed my welcome.
You had had your fair Judith Rodin share for the evening?
Yeah, I got my 15 minutes of fame with J-Ro. It was good times; I was in full Paul Mattus form.
So you're not optimistic about the upcoming Guttman reign?
No way, you can't bring in a Princeton person to replace J-Ro. I don't know what's up with that. Penn is pure-blooded, and the new president is diluting the master race here. You can't go around mixing blood with heathens. They're bringing in a Penn bastard. We have to revolt against this tyranny! We must erase this minority.
Is Guttman of an ethnic minority?
No, she's not. She's just a Princetonian. I personally believe that it is totally okay to hate people from another university based only on generalizations, whether they be of fact of fiction. I'm not trying to bash her -- I'm sure she's a sweet lady -- I just don't understand how you can turn your back on your people like that. Like what's that guys name... Arnold McBennet... Arnedict... Benedict Arnold! Yeah, Benedict Arnold... Princeton, right?
Absolutely, so Paul... do you have any post-grad plans?
Yeah, I'm going to be governor.
Not bad. How are you going to accomplish that?
Well, first I'm going to have to cut back on the drinking. [Laugh] Then I might use that as a political tactic, much like George Bush did, and say I found God. Don't get me wrong, I love Bush, especially Laura Bush. I think I have a lot of things in common with her, especially drinking. I really would like to attend law school, but I don't know if my GPA exactly warrants an invitation. I'll just point out the fact that the Constitution says any 25-year-old can run for Congress. I don't think anyone's ever tried that tactic before.
What tactic? Being 25 and running for Congress?
Exactly, it's never been done, and I'm going to give it a shot. I mean, I don't know of any 25-year-old congressman at present. Wow, this is going a lot like my interview for Playboy went.
Playboy? That sounds exciting.
No, that was actually just fiction....it never really happened.
Do those two things get confused easily?
Yeah, I guess I don't remember things a lot of the time.
Hmmm... Should anyone be concerned about calling 511 in the middle of the night with a medical emergency and having Paul Mattus show up at their door?
No, we all undergo the same intense training program. We're all prepared to handle absolutely any situation that we might encounter. I personally have certain weekend night rituals that include alcohol, but I am willing to make the sacrifice of alcohol for my future as an EMT.
That's very sage, Paul.
Hmm... I'm not sure sage is really the right word to describe me. I'm definitely a philosopher, but sage... I'm not that spicy. I'm more of a basil, you know. Just put a little bit of me somewhere and everybody's gonna know it. Sage is just too constricting a spice. I'm a basil kind of guy.
That sounds like an apt analogy.
Yeah, I'm also a Sociology and Political Science major, so I'm getting a B.A. in BS. Let's see what else...I'm 6'7", 190 pounds, Irish Catholic white guy, you can't miss me. I commit sin and go to church every week to repent. God's good with that stuff.
He sure is.
I have been interviewed by the Office of Student Conduct before, but I was thankfully relieved of all charges. I was accused of filling my old RA's door with putty, so he couldn't open it when his parents came to visit him. But investigation was not pursued due to lack of evidence, because I did not do it.
So justice was served?
Absolutely, I'm an innocent man. Hmmm... I feel like I'm not conveying myself very well....My philosophy on life is -- cash, money, power. My other philosophy on life is from Conan the Barbarian. When he is asked what the meaning of life is, he says, 'To see your enemies destroyed. To see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women.'
Wow, that's fantastic. Maybe we should wrap this up--
To see more clearly, think more deeply... that's another of my bigger life views. My favorite baseball player of all time is John Kruk. I like candy... I'm a big fan. I don't know... big booty hoes, go with it. I like babies, especially Penn babies... to prolong the proliferation of our people. I know, I'm crazy. I guess my biggest problem, or not problem but... thing... is that there's a fine line between crazy and stupid. I just forget it sometimes.
