Well here it is. I've spent the last four years of my life writing that same A-/B+ paper over and over again to finally obtain that coveted Ivy League diploma, or what my therapist calls a "passport." These four boring years of exploiting our society's legitimate (and very expensive) means of social uplift have been at a considerable cost to my ego and my erstwhile career as a teenage pop idol back in Baltimore. But I stuck it out, because my grandpa told me to put away those foolish dreams of superstardom and study biochemistry to learn how the world really works. And so, I learned and I learned, joined two fraternities, drank and I drank, forgot most of what I learned and went to CAPS. And now that I have returned from "Best Spring Break Ever, Cancun 2004," I am facing the final stretch of my undergraduate studies, looking forward with nervous anticipation to our glorious cap and gowned graduation festivities. Will my parents throw me a party? Will my grandparents make me a banner? Will my favorite Aunt Kirsten cook me up some of her delicious Cornflake Tuna Cheese Chicken casserole? And who will speak at commencement?
That question was answered in this week's Daily Pennsylvanian: U2 singer, Bono. It seems that the culmination of my four years of delayed rock stardom will be embodied by the greatest rock star ever. And he's getting an honorary law degree as well! All the signs were right in front of me all along, but until now, I was simply too arrogant to realize Bono's great connection to the pursuit of higher education. For one, his songs of the last 20 years are still topping a cappella playlists across our beautiful campus. His music transcends racial boundaries as well; the all-Hindi group Penn Masala has brought me to tears on countless occasions with its breathtaking English-language rendition of "With or Without You." And his timeless lyrics have been the basis for our last three Spring Fling nicknames: "The Sweetest Fling," "New Year's Fling," and "Where the Streets Have No Fling."
But Molly Roth, Director of Trustee Affairs, please, let's not fool ourselves by making excuses like, "We think that his accomplishments as an activist -- as an artist, but also in particular as an activist -- are very compelling, and we hope that students would respond to that example." Come on, admit it, U2 is sweet! Activism is sort of cool I guess, but have you seen that costume Bono wears when he's this, like, giant singing fly? Those goggles are mad dope! In any case, I will be at graduation with bells on, and he better sing "Beautiful Day," maybe ... backed up by the seniors of Off the Beat. Ahh, I can see it now ...
