Dear Penn A Cappella Groups,
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rebecca Stein, and my son Jacob is currently a freshman in the Wharton School of Business. Needless to say, Jacob has already made the Stein family quite proud, and we are looking forward to his continued success at such a prestigious university. It breaks my heart as a mother to see him grow up so fast. I feel like just yesterday I was changing his soiled diapers. I suppose you are now wondering why I am addressing you in particular. I'll try to be brief, but I have quite a few issues to touch upon.
Early last week, Jacob phoned home. Like every good mother, I could immediately tell that something was amiss. Jacob has never in his life had problems with making friends, so I was taken aback when he mentioned he was having trouble "fitting in." The only friend he had made thus far was his roommate Benjamin, whom I've met. Apparently, Benjamin has been fortunate enough in the first week of school to have fallen in love with a girl living down the hall. Jacob mentioned the phrase "constantly sexiled," which I am unfamiliar with, but I wish the happy couple the best.
During our heart to heart, Jacob and I brainstormed methods in which he could amass the collection of friends he was looking for. We finally came to the conclusion that he should try to join a common interest group. Although he has not sung in any formal environment for several years, we noticed the plethora of a cappella groups at Penn, meaning his chances for joining could be high. I, of course, encourage him to get the full college experience, but I would not want him getting swept away in his first semester. Thus, here are just a few questions I would like answered before I give him the go ahead.
1) Are there certain groups with reputations for "sucking," for lack of a better word? This would in fact defeat the purpose of him joining the group, since he would be known throughout campus as a member of that "loser" group.
2) Since Penn is an Ivy League institution, is there a minimum GPA to remain a part of each group? If so, do you offer some sort of peer studying sessions? I would not want singing to interfere with Jacob's studies or his chances of being recruited by a top finance firm.
3) What lyrical process do you go through when choosing the backing vocals? Are all the "jing-jangs" and "sho-nos" simply gibberish? Or are you spreading subliminal Communist messages?
4) After attending Freshman Performing Arts Night, Jacob expressed particular interest in a group named On the Beats, if I remember correctly. He mentioned that one member's arms seemed to be littered in tattoos. Is this some sort of hazing ritual required of all new members?
5) Jacob mentioned that many of the groups do not perform their own material, but rather "cover" songs. Is there any legal responsibility you hold to the songwriters? I've been seeing a lot of news reports about college students being sued by artists for "stealing music." Is this what they are referring to?
I hope I have not taken too much of your time, but I must learn the intricacies of college a cappella if Jacob is to join.
Sincerely,
Rebecca Stein, concerned mother
