A lot of people view the beginning of college as a social clean slate. But it's not true. If I have to hear one more person say "college is great because people just accept you for who you are," I'm going to flip a shit. Indeed, popularity and social stratification concerns are disturbingly prevalent at Penn. And guess what? Now there's a way to quantify them!
How thefacebook.com ever took off is a mystery. The friendster knock-off is the most ridiculous thing I've ever come across. Case in point: the other day, I was informed that a friend had "poked" me. What the fuck? I "poked" him back, losing my dignity in the process.
The most important consequence of this web site's popularity, however, has been the way it cleverly consolidates the social food chain. Instead of getting to know people to see what they're like, now all you have to do is "facebook" them. Under this system, there are three main categories to measure your campus prominence:
A. 0-50 friends -- Complete Tool/Transcendent Being -- Why would you have so few friends? The first and most obvious possibility is that you are an utter loser, to use my favorite eighth grade word. You play poker while drinking orange soda in Stouffer all night, listening to something crappy like Evanescence. You are the social mold of Penn.
On the other hand, perhaps you simply have a grasp of the facebook's stupidity. Is the number of friends really a good determinant of your personality? No, you sages suggest. You'd rather spend time with your wives, kids and Goldman Sachs internships than with such an abortion of a web site.
B. 50-200 friends -- The Social Bourgeoisie -- Here's where you want to be. Being in this category means neither that nobody likes you nor do you spend too much time dicking around on the Internet. You're the type that comes back from two-three hours of class and perhaps lunch at ABP to the delight of an "[insert name here] has invited you to..." e-mail. Maybe now and then you'll meet someone new and send them an invite. Nice and easygoing. Stand tall, be proud.
C. 200+ friends -- Pathetic --Oh no, the facebook hierarchy is not linear. It's parabolic, and you're on the downslope my friend! Having so many friends means you're WAY too into this web site. You actually buy into the theory that "maybe if I have more friends, I'll be awesome and someone will hook up with me after BMOC!" In truth, no one will hook up with you after BMOC, because you try way too hard. While you're online frantically sending invites to the weakest of acquaintances, you could be doing more productive things like, oh, I don't know, eating. Shape up.
I should have mentioned that these figures only include friends at Penn. No one gives a shit how many friends you have at other schools. Seriously. If you find this system completely superficial, you're right. However, that also means you're probably in the first or last category, too ... Loser.
