Our definitive guide to all things hot and not.
Desperate Housewives: Hands down the best new drama on TV. Maybe ever. Suicide, murder, chaos, infidelity, money, tits, pecs and lots of sex. Hot young gardener banging the boss's wife. A plumber so gorgeous he can unclog our pipes anytime. Teri Hatcher ass-naked. Need we go on?
Hotter than Hot
Nip/Tuck: Blood and gore with a side of barely legal between-the-sheets action. Beautiful people cheating on significant others. Up close and personal scalpel-to-skin. If you don't already own the DVDs, for God's sake, bursar them.
Law and Order: SVU: Fuck all those other legal dramas. SVU is the only good reason not to get hammered on a Tuesday night, other than school. Stabler and Benson are easy on the eye and they always get the child molesters off the streets. If only they wanted a threesome ...
Better than nothing
Fake News: Jon Stewart is sexy, smart and Jewish, aka our collective wet dream. The Daily Show is our only source of news, yet we're still smarter than the douches who watch Bill O'Reilly. Tina Fey's "Weekend Update" on SNL is a close second. Stewart/Fey 2008. Please?
America's Next Top Model: Catfighting, scantily-clad women, judgmental bitches. Penn sororities? No, just the best reality show on TV. Well, that is, until Kirstie Alley's Fat Actress blows it out of the water in 2005. We'll keep you posted.
Anything British: Da Ali G Show. The Office. Absolutely Fabulous. Coupling. The Brits invented the sitcom as we know it with Fawlty Towers and they're still funnier than us. Again, bursar these. You really don't need another lame Penn hat.
Frostbitten Nipples
NBC: The Apprentice has lost its luster post-Omarosa. Joey is a feeble excuse for a sitcom. Fine, Conan O'Brien is ascending to Leno's desk in 2009, but it's not enough. Come on, NBC. Pull it together or we might be forced to watch UPN.
Real News: Every time we watch CNN, MSNBC or anything that's not Comedy Central, we shed a tear. W is officially back in the White House. As we pack our bags for Canada, we're switching the channel to VH1. Even the former teen idols on I Love the '70s are smarter than that swaggering Southern moron.
