The DP has spoiled you. Everyday you get quality, in-depth reporting on relevant campus issues such as Frisbee golf and fire alarms. Well, here at Street, standards aren't quite so high. We put out one issue a week, hoping only that you'll use it for several minutes of entertainment or for making a papier mache penis. Our material's not current, either. I wrote this column two weeks ago. Why? Because the good-for-nothing editors went home for Thanksgiving. So, instead of going to a date party with a really cute girl who didn't invite me, I spent November 19th holed up in my room writing what you are now reading on December 2nd. Considering that, what I thought I'd do is predict the important news stories that were most likely to have occurred in the next two weeks (which are the past two weeks). If you're a little confused, or you've never seen Back to the Future, good luck.
1. Based on the inability of the Zero to Four Campaign to reduce the levels of binge drinking on campus, the University announces that its new alcohol policy will attempt to discourage alcohol consumption by focusing on promoting other substances Penn students abuse, such as cocaine and marijuana. Headlining this new policy will be the Zero to Four Lines Campaign, which focuses on the non-alcoholic reasons for snorting coke. President Gutmann mentions that, "You can't binge-drink cocaine, right?" Other anti-alcohol campaigns being developed include "Got Needles?", "You Need Weed" and the "Head West Initiative."
2. Following criticism of the ongoing "liberation" of Iraq, President Bush reinstates the Divine Right of Kings. Citing kings such as Louis XIV and Burger, the President proclaims, "God gave me the divine right to free Iraq. Now I'm having it my way. We'll whopper the insurgents with some coke and a side of freedom fries."
3. Shortly after a brawl between the Pacers and Pistons that included Indiana forward Ron Artest fighting fans, NBA Commissioner David Stern defends the player's actions, saying, "I'm very proud of him for not impregnating any of the fans." He adds, "Besides, Artest had every right to use violence. He's a rapper. You could call it 'Artestic License!' High five!"
4. Strongly supported by President Bush, Congress passes a law legally changing Thanksgiving to American Heterosexual Family Values Reunion Day. This comes as the first step in a larger Republican-led movement to officially declare the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas Jesus Month.
5. Finally, (paraphrasing Dana Carvey), former President Gerald Ford is eaten by wolves, and Tom Brokaw is gay.
So, that's what went down (I think). Now, go read a review or two. Then craft a papier mache penis. If you can, use this column for the tip.
