This article appeared in the December 9th joke issue.
Survivor: Prophylactic Island
In the past, CBS' reality hit Survivor has relied on scheming andback-stabbing for ratings, throwing a bunch of type-A tacticians onto a desert island and watching them vote eachother off one by one. This season, with a record number of CBS' target age demographic skipping Survivor for trips to Planned Parenthood and the methadone clinic, the network has decided to allow Mother Nature to cast her ballot.
Survivor: Prophylactic Island sees 12 contestants with various VDs and STDs vying for the ultimate prize: a trip to the clinic of the prestigious but mysterious Dr. Ura Hoorbag, who boasts an uncanny ability to cure anything from crabs to the clap.
First, these admittedly sluttish, slovenly, whoring contestants must compete in a variety of tasks not unlike those in the original Survivor. However, this time, they won't be eating rats, they'll be eating eachother ... out.
In the first episode, we meet Becki Lynn, a 19-year old stripper from Trailerhole, Texas. Thanks to a particularly low-class upbringing in a podunk backwater town populated by toothless good-for-nothings, she's afflicted with the unsavory combination of anal herpes, pubic lice and genital warts.
"It hurts down there, and this show is my chance to make it stop itching," Becki Lynn said. Becki's first competition involved a threesome with two other disease-ridden scumbags. They could only score points by using protection.
Somehow, Becki couldn't bring herself to don a dental dam, nor did she ask fellow contestant Jimbo to wear a condom.
"I mean, my Daddy preaches that using them things ain't right," Becki said at the elimination ceremony. "It ain't the Lord's way. Jimbo gave me the clap, I think, and I got a mean taste in my mouth from Terri Ann's yeast infection. It's too bad I got kicked off first. I like it here on the island, apart from all the flies that swarm around my crotch at night."
The following episode sees Jimbo, a 22-year-old college dropout from Shitlick, Idaho, trying to get rid of his burning chlamydia by rubbing a scorpion up and down his balls for three hours. This was not an organized competition, but it makes for some great television.
Terri Ann, a 14-year-old pregnant crackwhore with too many VDs to list, has to decide whether a wrestling match with resident stud Billy Joe is worth the possibility of contracting his gonorrhea.
Tune in to Survivor: Prophylactic Island with your family and kids. The important lesson of this surefire hit is not the danger of slutting it up. Any moron knows that street-corner whoring will make your nether regions look like Swiss cheese.
Watch this show for the pride you'll feel knowing that you're not a piece of godforsaken white-trash. You know how to operate the simple rubber device known in educated regions as a condom. Pat yourself on the back and pass the popcorn.
