Yeah, so I don't really like to talk about it because it's not that big of a deal to me or anything, but, yes, it's true: I won the Geography Bee in fifth grade. I know, I know, I would be in awe of me, too, if I were in your shoes. But I'm not. I'm in mine. And mine are more comfortable. Again, though, I really don't think it's that big of a deal, but if you must shower me with unconditional love, you can direct it to Box 218 Harrison. To those of you who have already done so, I truly appreciate it, and to that one group calling themselves the "Plunkaphiles," I hope you ate that lamb you sacrificed. But really, I'm just a regular guy. My roommate puts my pants on me one leg at a time, just like everyone else.
Anyway, I thought it'd be fun to give you all a taste of what being important feels like, so here's a transcript of the final question. If I were you (which, again, I'm not), I'd be inspired to memorize it verbatim:
Orator: Eric, if you answer this question correctly, you will be the Geography Bee champion. In which country, nicknamed the "land of the midnight sun," would you find the Riksdagshuset parliament and the port city of Helsingborg?
Me: Sweden1.
Orator: Correct! Congratulations, you are the new Geography Bee champion of Ellicott Elementary School! [Mind-shattering standing ovation] And let me just say, I have never in all of my years as an educator met a young student as phenomenally gifted, mature and bilingual as you. There's no doubt in my mind that you will go on to do great things, like be rejected from Stanford and settle for the University of Pennsylvania. [To audience] It's nice to see that at least one of these children has a future.
So, like I said, it's not that big of a deal. My family and I don't even watch the tape of it on Christmas morning anymore. We open gifts first and then we watch it. You know, some people actually tell me, get this, that it's not that big of a deal, I should stop living in the past, and that I only got into Penn because I'm a "legacy," whatever that is. To all those naysayers out there I ask you this: how do you spell "jealous"? I wouldn't know, because no one sacrifices lambs for Spelling Bee champions.
1 See map.
