The happiest day of my life was when I met John Stamos. I was 16 when I waited for him outside of Cabaret. Then it happened, my first mistake as a celebrity stalker. He emerged from the stage door and I burst into tears. It was the overwhelming sensation of meeting Uncle Jesse, the pinnacle of manhood, the link to the Olsen Twins, which sent me into hysterics. I started to cry out "Uncle Jesse" in between my sobs. We took the obligatory photo. I got the autograph. And he was gone. Then, I realized that I was an idiot.
Then this past summer, I was preparing to leave a club in New York when I spotted Matt Dillon standing by the dance floor. So I did what any savvy stalker would do: made myself known without appearing as the overzealous fan. My friend and I put down our belongings, headed to his side of the dance floor and broke out every move we knew. Gyrating to the music, I was in effect thrusting my backside into Matt Dillon. It was glorious. He certainly noticed, but then my friend ruined it. With a few deadly words she turned us from two single girls dancing next to a hot guy, to two adolescent fans: "Can you take a picture with us?" Needless to say, the picture turned out terribly and we went home alone.
My learned celeb-interaction skill reached its peak at the end of this summer. Walking down the streets of New York, I saw a crowd gather outside a hotel. There they were: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Caught in the crowd, I was slammed against Tom and Katie's waiting SUV. As TomKat kissed and groped their way through the crowd, I realized that they were heading towards me. I did not scream, I did not throw a piece of clothing to be autographed. Instead, I found myself next to Katie, and acted like a regular person: "How do you like New York?" And we spoke. Like real people. Tom offered to take a picture with me. I was the only fan out of the entire throng of screams to get a picture. The point is, celebrity etiquette is a lot like pursuing a crush: Don't look like you're trying, don't be desperate, but let them know you're interested, and, they'll come to you. Now, I'm just waiting for my John Stamos encounter Part II.
