1. You are not entitled to be angry at people who forget to wish you a happy birthday. When people forget to wish you a happy birthday, it's for a reason: they were never your friend to begin with.
2. Just because you were born today 20 years ago doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want to do. Chances are I don't like you and have no interest in celebrating your existence.
3. Celebrating your birthday on Friday when your birthday is actually on Monday is not OK. You're just going to have to wait until next year, sorry.
4. Throwing yourself a birthday party is one of the most self-important and obnoxious things a person can do. Who are you to say that you deserve a party? I know I don't.
5. On a related note, if you do throw yourself a party, under no circumstances are you to expect a gift if you're not paying for my dinner. You treat me, I treat you.
6. Relatives I only see on Thanksgiving and other rare occasions need not telephone me happy birthday wishes. We both know I have no interest in talking to you, and you have no interest in talking to me. A check in the mail would be nice though.
7. On a related note, it is not a coincidence that I always get your answering machine when I call to wish you a happy birthday, Uncle Larry.
8. Declaring your birthday to the world on your away message is the equivalent of writing "I have no friends" in permanent marker on your forehead. Knowing it's your birthday is about as important to me as knowing why Dick Cheney shot a man in the face.
9. Taking 21 shots on your 21st birthday is stupid. Well, when girls turn 14 they start giving out blow-jobs like candy on Halloween. It's what all the other girls are doing ... but I don't think any of them still think that was cool.
10. Finally, if you absolutely insist on celebrating your birthday, please remember that a birthday lasts a day, not a week, you shithead.
