If you're walking down Locust Walk anytime within the next two months, keep an eye out for what our Lady Quakers are wearing.

Almost every other girl, no matter how garishly thin, is sporting a pair of tights. Tights? Sweet sassy molassy woman, it's 30 degrees out! You're chattering like a frostbitten Chihuahua on Adderall, but you're still wearing skintight, one millimeter thick Lycra. I'll be the first to admit that spandex is unnaturally snug and comfortable (thank you, ill-fated track and field career), but I feel like there's a limit. Running around in a full-body spandex tracksuit has taught me that the material's ability to stop the cold only goes so far. Trust me.

However it isn't the spandex, but the season itself. Fall is that season where you still think you can hold onto the last vestiges of summer, but really, it's a losing battle. Need proof? Try stumbling from party to party like you did during September, except now with the added burden of freezing to death or losing your favorite limb to the cold. "Oh, I won't feel it because of the alcohol!" False. You've got to be passed out, face-to-the-concrete drunk to not feel the windchill of -90 degrees whipping through the Windtunnel. And frankly, Chief, at that point, you've got more shit to worry about than catching the sniffles.

So ladies, I'm not picking on you for being slaves to fashion. Well, maybe just a little, but the point stands for all Penn students: unfortunately guys, winter is right around the corner. You may be the hottest thing to hit this campus, but eventually, you're going to have to bundle up. Conversely, you may be the dumbest shit to ever attend Penn, but midterms are coming up and quality time in Van Pelt is inevitable. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but hey, spring is four months away!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a pair of spandex tights that are screaming my name.


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