Going to a movie is much like going on JDate. We scope out the leading men, assess their talents and qualifications and ultimately decide whether they’d function as good first husbands. Fantasizing about them, however, makes it easy to forget that they’re real people. For instance, I always get disappointed whenever I see Robin Williams going back to rehab, behavior unbefitting a professor from Dead Poet’s Society.

Many of today's hottest A-listers are, on the surface, perfect elopement material. Unfortunately, their antics of late have convinced me that as good as they look in black leather, I won’t be snapping them off the shelf anytime soon.

Christian Bale Oh, Christian. Don’t you know how many girls had “Christian – Bale” listed as their religion on Facebook? Now they have to go back to being Presbyterians. After your meltdown on the Terminator set, girls everywhere are now convinced you really did verbally abuse your mother. I was willing to forgive a slip of the famously-belligerent Welsh tongue, but “I want you off the fucking set, you prick” is language Teddy Laurence would never use. Time to bail out on Batman.

Michael Cera When you arrived on the scene as George Michael Bluth, stammering cutely, I knew I had found my soul mate. Your awkward quips were comic genius, I thought, until I interviewed you last September and you had the personality of a soybean. You didn’t understand the questions, you had no funny stories about being Canadian and there was nothing remotely witty about your repartee. You couldn’t even improvise the contents of that red backpack you carried. And not signing on to an Arrested Development film? You’re already typecast, pal. Que sera, sera.

Alec Baldwin I’ll admit I never really noticed you until 30 Rock, but your confidence, narcissism and political incorrectness made me almost become a Republican. That is, until I heard the voice message you left for your daughter, Ireland. Calling her a pig? Telling her she doesn’t “have the brains or decency as a human being”? I shudder to think what you must call your local Starbucks barista. Guess Stephen’s the better Baldwin after all.

Russell Crowe You looked hot in Gladiator. And you're an excellent actor. Then you told a producer his mother bathed in goat’s milk and had the voice of a French whore. Then the phone in your hotel room didn’t work so you (naturally) threw it at an employee. Don’t be upset, but we’re not that excited about your upcoming stint as Robin Hood — he was actually a decent fellow.


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