Get accepted. Getting into college is tougher than it used to be, so you may need to resort to stealing the SATs. If it worked for the kids in The Perfect Score (2004), it can work for you. Once you’ve gotten in, throw a Risky Business (1983)-style party, complete with prostitutes and dancing in your underwear. Eventual conversion to Scientology is optional.

Freshman year

Make new friends. Literally. Weird Science (1985)

Go to a toga party. Gladiator (2000)

Or a kegger. Animal House (1978)

Take up a new sport. It's bobsled time! Cool Runnings (1992)

Sophomore year

Impress a professor. Chances are, you’re not as smart or as cool as Val Kilmer in Real Genius (1985). Don’t feel bad. Few people can build a high-powered laser that their evil professor will steal and sell to the military. But if you do have the skills to challenge a professor, use them.

Lose your virginity. Better late than never. The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005)

Spy on your neighbors. They're probably doing it against a window of a high rise. Rear Window (1954)

Junior year

Go abroad. Don't be shy about fulfilling the cliché of finding yourself. Even if things get Lost in Translation (2003), make like Vicky Christina Barcelona (2008) and catch a Red Eye (2005) to an obscure spot across the Atlantic. No matter what cultural milieu you prefer, in the wise words of Kevin from Home Alone (1990), make sure to pack toilet paper and water.

Make friends with the janitor. He may be going places. Good Will Hunting (1997)

Senior year

Sleep with your professor. It's an old stereotype but a true one: there's nothing sexier than hearing your Geology prof talk about splitting your subduction zone. There's something about Ben Kinglsey's tweed jackets that drives Penelope Cruz wild in Elegy (2008) and we have to admit we agree. So, Professor, would you mind invading our international norms?

Do something crazy. Eat 50 eggs like Cool Hand Luke (1967) or join a Fight Club (1999).

Get a “job.” The kids in 21 (2008) had it right. Since you won’t actually be getting a job next year, the only way you’ll be able to pay for grad school or, y’know, feed yourself, is to join a card-counting ring led by your sleazy math professor and clean up in Vegas. Even if you get caught, you can use the experience to get a scholarship at Harvard Med.

Graduate. We would prefer for this final step not to exist at all, but if you must become The Graduate (1967), at least go out with a bang. You've got an entire 12 days to lounge in your pool and deflower room 568 before the real world begins, so embrace hedonism. You have our unconditional sympathy as childhood abates, so for the go-getters out there we have one last word: plastics.


All comments eligible for publication in Daily Pennsylvanian, Inc. publications.