Disclaimer: I spent my Sunday watching the three different previews of this episode on CBS on repeat and teared up during all of them, so if that’s any indication of how this night is going to go, you’ll find me by the tissue box/not in my common room because I can NOT handle people doing their CIS homework when legendary things are taking place on screen.
7:58 p.m.: I am actually not emotionally prepared for this.
8:00 p.m.: Flashback! Ooooh, way back. I’m ambivalent about the mixed up chronology of this season, ‘cause I’m like, “cool more material,” but also like, c’mon you guys, live for the NOW.
8:01 p.m.: Bringing back all the classic jokes (Robin’s from Canada, Robin likes scotch and hockey, Ted doesn’t have a girlfriend, Ted’s too eager to have a girlfriend), finale nostalgia I see. #sosentimental
8:02 p.m.: Oh wait, it’s foreshadowing! AND HE DID MARRY HER HOW CUTE IS THAT?!?!?!
8:02 p.m.: TED SEES THE MOTHER. I REPEAT, TARGET ACQUIRED. THIS IS A HISTORIC MOMENT IN TELEVISION.
8:04 p.m.: Ugh, Ted, stop being such a killjoy, Barney was about to introduce you to your wife.
8:05 p.m.: The rain in this scene is a symbol of my tears.
8:06 p.m.: Very much enjoying the tribute to high–fives, because “HIMYM” definitely made high–fives an epic thing again and this is actually spectaaaaaacuuuuullllaaaarrrrrr (that was me slow–motion screaming. Didn’t get it, that’s okay, I’ll go away now).
8:08 p.m.: OMG there she is, with the yellow umbrella, and he wouldn’t have seen her if it wasn’t for the annoying old lady. IS THIS WHAT FATE MEANS?! WHERE’S MY OLD LADY POINTING ME IN THE DIRECTION OF LOVE?! I really need to get a yellow umbrella.
8:11 p.m.: Wait, actually this old woman is perfectly expressing all of my sentiments.
8:12 p.m.: Marshall’s all like, “That was a really big goodbye, like I had to build that goodbye up a lot,” and I’m like, “tell me about it man, this is how I’ll be feeling tomorrow, except I know it’s not coming back.”
8:15 p.m.: LOL, Ted and Barney have “castle” guys.
8:15 p.m.: Okay, I’m overwhelmed there are way too many things happening and I do not have enough time to process everything.
8:17 p.m.: Marshall coming in clutch with the sarcasm. He truly is my soul sister.
8:18 p.m.: HELLO, DIVORCE BOMB DROP, JUST RUIN ALL MY DREAMS WHY DON’T YOU.
8:19 p.m.: Also, I’m pretty sure Barney and Robin missed that high–five, a symbol of their now broken marriage (silent sobs).
8:20 p.m.: “Who’s Robin going to end up with? Sandy Rivers? There’s no one left.” –Fellow viewer.
8:24 p.m.: Lily’s all like, “This is when we can’t fall out of each other’s lives,” and I’m like, “you’re falling out of my life, Lily, not going to be there for me anymore, what about that, huh?”
8:27 p.m.: It’s moving so fast. Their lives are passing by right in front of me.
8:28 p.m.: Robin, front porch test please, you’re all supposed to be BFF–FFFFFFFFFFs for L.
8:28 p.m.: This got way too sad, way too fast. At least at the end of “Friends” they were all still friends at the end :’( (Disclaimer: I actually don’t think I’ve ever really seen the finale episode of “Friends.” So, I’m just assuming here. Oops.)
8:35 p.m.: Yay! Marshall’s a judge, a “court Marshall?” Is that a thing? I’m trying to make name puns but I don’t know enough about the law to make it work.
Note: I looked it up and court marshall is a military thing, but for the sake of the pun, SUSTAINED!
8:38 p.m.: This is actually taking a downward spiral. Ted and the mother aren’t married yet (WAIT, so maybe it’s one of their parents that couldn’t make it to their wedding and the mother won’t die, TAKE THAT NAYSAYERS), and Barney knocked somebody up (actually, that’s not really surprising, it’s probably about time).
Note: My prediction about the mother still being alive here is, sadly, wrong. See that Mom and Dad? I am wrong. There, you have it in print now.
8:43 p.m.: They’re actually bringing nearly every significant joke back. Respect.
8:43 p.m.: Also they’ve timed the mother’s jokes impeccably.
8:46 p.m.: Conversation that took place in response to this part of the finale:
“Where’s the mom?”
“Barney has a kid.”
“I don’t think that’s supposed to be the significant part.”
“Barney has a kid.”
8:47 p.m.: Wait, they’re still not married? That’s one storyline I did not see coming, but the subtlety is nice.
8:48 p.m.: Barney HAS changed! Hope isn’t lost! Humanity is restored!
8:49 p.m.: And then Robin reappears like DAMN. But actually, I want her dress. And people should NOT look that good in their late 30’s, like I don’t think that’s a thing. Make up should’ve made this more realistic.
8:54 p.m.: And the first tears are coming.
8:54 p.m.: “Thank god we finally got here,”—Lily (on Ted and Mother’s wedding). HYFR.
8:54 p.m.: UGH TEARS GO BACK INSIDE MY TEAR DUCTS. RETREAT. RETREAT.
8:55 p.m.: NO I DON’T WANT TO BE WRONG ABOUT THIS!
IF YOU KILL HER, I’LL KILL YOU, CBS!
Note: Dear CBS, Please do not take this threat seriously. I will not kill you. In fact, I cannot, because you are a television company, and I, a mere mortal.
8:55 p.m.: That’s how you’re gonna kill the mother? A little too casual, don’t you think, Carter Bays? Like “here’s a five–second clip of her in the hospital, OK BYEEEE.” I’m so confused as to what kind of love story this is now cause they were supposed to be ~together forever~.
8:55 p.m.: Ok just did the math, they seriously only got ten years together, WHAT IS THAT?
8:56 p.m.: All I want in life is someone to lose my umbrella, too, and then get my umbrella back from, and then argue about who truly possesses the umbrella with. Sigh.
8:57 p.m.: Tracy McConnell (sp?). Really? Like, plz be more average.
8:58 p.m.: “I kept this story short and to the point,” – Ted. LOL, Ted. LOL.
8:58 p.m.: K, wait, I actually kinda enjoy this. The kids are calling Ted OUT.
8:59 p.m.: The haircuts though. The worst.
8:59 p.m.: This is so sad, Robin’s basically an old cat lady, except instead of cats it’s dogs.
8:59 p.m.: THE BLUE FRENCH HORN. If I get one of those will I find my second soul mate or…?
9:00 p.m.: I willingly admit that I did not call that, but I can’t deny that I love it. Except, Ted ending up with Robin makes meeting the mother seem pointless. For real, this could’ve happened in Season 1. But thanks for drawing it out; we’ll always have Seasons 3 and 4.
9:00 p.m.: Can’t get over Tracy. Sorry if your name is Tracy. Not because your name is Tracy, but just because that’s not the right name for the mother. It’s just not.