Ladies and gentlemen...tell a neighbor and phone a friend because Highbrow is back. A week of parties may be NSOver, but this year’s gossip is just beginning. Returning readers: we missed you and your scandalous escapades. Freshmeat: watch yourselves because your highness is West Philly’s most salacious source of gossip. We show no mercy.

Ready to rock black and black out, Penn’s sceniest elite dressed up to get down(town). As always, NSO commenced with a smorgasbord of events to attend. When no one showed up to the first Owls downtown, Highbrow hears that the brothers took flight and headed over to Theos’. With an empty nest, Owls cancelled their event. Thankfully, the Owls brothers wised up and allegedly skipped their second downtown altogether. Highbrow concludes that The-hoes are loyal.

The-Hoes may be loyal, but we hear that the APES have an admirer of their own. After getting down with one brother, one Theta with a penchant for monkeying around allegedly proceeded to hook up with another member of the house, all while her previous lover took a quick bathroom break. We don’t know APES boy code, but is this kosher? Highbrow is surprised by the popularity of APES’ jungle juice(s).

Some rip shots, some endure a vodka tampon, but apparently SAE has a new method to get drunk. Tired of cheap and execrable alcohol, these brothers reportedly decided to snort their liquor instead. Underwhelmed by the effects, these upset bros didn’t feel quite as  Versace as they did during Fling. For the record, Highbrow endorses swallowing.

We all know there’s nothing worse than being cock-blocked by your lame freshman roommate. Sources tell us that two horny freshman, unable to utilize their Twin XL’s, couldn’t decide if they wanted to get clean or dirty. Armed with shower shoes and Ware College House keys, the young duo headed to the bathroom and had sex in the hall’s only shower. Concerned (ed note: jealous) hall mates notified their GA, who proceeded to break up this sticky situation. Highbrow is sad to say that their dignity, among other things, went down the drain.

Those of us not lucky enough to have shower sex turn to good ol' porn. But apparently one STSC 212 student couldn’t wait to rub one out. In the middle of an 80 person lecture, this horndog watched porn in class––at full volume. Annoyed, the professor inquired “Can you do that tonight?” Highbrow hopes that he rises to the occasion and doesn’t finish the year with a big fat D.


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