As reported in the DP last week, the alcohol-related hospitalization of freshmen went from twenty-one in 2014 to seven in 2015. After extensive investigative journalism Street has discovered what some freshmen were doing instead of drinking.
Judy* admitted to being averse to alcohol. When asked why, she simply stated “my mom made me participate in a blood oath as to never drink jungle juice. She said if I didn’t participate in the oath I’d get AIDS.” What was she doing instead? Stilton Cheese—a cheese produced in three counties of England. After eating a block of this hallucinogenic dairy product, Judy proceeded to have “intense, vivid and colorful dreams” as she laid in her bed for the entirety of NSO. Her roommate didn’t even know she had moved in.
Hank* had different ideas. After the death of Cecil the Lion he was heartbroken, so when at NSO he wanted to feel Cecil’s pain. Thus he shot himself up with heroin via bow and arrow. He proceeded to attempt to free the lions from outside the SAE chapter house. When he couldn’t free them, he was so disheartened he transferred to University Arkansas at Pine Bluff.
Christine* came to Penn wanting to study astrology. She had drank in high school and was now looking for novel adventures. After wandering into the caverns below the quad, she discovered a new drug, Jenkem, made from fermented human waste. After two huffs, Christine was never to be seen again. But, she did start a tumblr and joined the space-kin community. She is now the fifth star on the right of Apollo’s belt when you look at the constellation while in the bathroom on the third floor of Class of 1887. She updates her Tumblr regularly.
It seems the other 11 of these alcohol-free freshmen participated in similar activities as Judy, Hank and Christine. Except for Hannah* who just sat in her room, knitted a scarf from her roommate’s hair while reading Gweneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website. Go Hannah!
*Names changed for because why not
