1. Food is rude. There are very few foods that are acceptable in the library. Mixed nuts, Luna Bars, M&M’s–– all fine. You think the Kale Caeser from Sweet Green is sly? WRONG. There are anchovies in it and EVERYONE can smell them. Count anything with garlic, curry or onion out. Apples might have no smell, but they are LOUD. So are foods with crinkly wrappers. Put down the potato chips, take a lap and think about the choices you’ve made.
  2. Snot again. Some people are too sick to be in the library. Sniffling is feudal and futile—we now have tissues to clear out your congested nose and sinuses. You are a civilized human at a leading university. Do not act like a serf on a farmstead. Also, leaving dirty tissues on your desk is criminal. We kindly ask you use Purell.
  3. Chewing gum. We get it—we know all about the studies that indicate chewing gum increases concentration, improves test scores, etc. but there is an appropriate way to chew gum. Keep your mouth closed. You’re not a fucking horse.
  4. Personal devices are....personal. No one else should hear your music through your headphones. Yes, boy I met at a party last night, I can hear you listening to Miley's new album, and yes, I am judging you. If you’re listening to music that loudly, use a Q-tip and get your ears checked.
  5. Phone calls in the library. Just because you have an incoming call does not mean you should take it. Emergencies are one thing. But if you need to schedule an appointment, or bitch to your mom, or chat about last night’s hook–up, step the fuck outside—even if you are on the first floor. There is no amount of whispering you can do to not piss off your neighbor.  And don't try testing the waters with FaceTime.  Never a time for FaceTime.

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