Weird as shit:
I was going down on this chick when I noticed the taste of horse semen. I thought, "Oh grandma, so that's how you died!"
To the bartenders at Tap: Waiting for you to get me a beer is like Hilary Duff waiting for rain in the middle of that drought.
To the graduate who came back for Homecoming and looks like a sexy Jesus: let's conduct a Communion, I'm more than ready for the body and blood of Christ.
To the hot dude who ate Chinese food in the second floor study lounge of Huntsman: next time you're welcome to lick some sweet and sour sauce off of my pussy.
To the lady gang of tall OAX girls w great style: you know who you are. I admire you from afar. Babes. Just babes!
To Hillel: y u no open past 11?
Shoutout to the Orwellian revivalist and frat bro in United by Blue who suggested, "Let's only talk in newspeak."
To my big: thanks for letting me puke in your toilet and sleep in your bed even though we have different genders.
You wrote too much:
To that one group of senior girls: You really wowed us with the frackit, best of luck with your future business endeavors! T God for your thurough social media presences that will allow us to keep up next year when you're ROFLing all over the world!
I feel like I won't be able to find a relationship here because people can't commit because there's so many things going on in their lives. People are so busy and life is too fast paced for a relationship and I feel like I'm never going to be able to find someone to slow down with me and just enjoy college.
To the unspoken darty heroes, pulling trig when most are merely pulling themselves out of bed. Let us forge on, never giving up, never passing out, ignoring every plea from our feeble, bankers-soaked bodies to surrender: we will be victorious. And when we fall sloppily into the Allegro's booth, we will order non-pizza entrees at our leisure. Because we earned it.
Shoutout to the tall, awkward asian kid who, half an hour late, trips past an entire row of people to get to a seat in the front and then proceeds to spend the entire lecture (poorly) drawing creatures made of dicks
You're Punning Too Hard:
To my Dad, nobody at Pun likes me because I took all of your jokes
To my Geology TA: Recitation is more fun now that I've ROCKED YOUR WORLD. Get it? CAUSE ROCKS.
Too many feelings:
Shoutout to SDT. I know this is way too genuine and sappy to actually be in 34th Street, but I still felt the need to say that you girls make me proud to be your sister every day.
To my old best friend: I'm sorry you think I broke your heart, but you broke mine too. Thanks for disowning me. xoxo & grow up
To the gemini betch that ripped out my soul: fuq u
To my current hookup: WHAT ARE WE?? I don't want to bring it up in person so I was hoping you could lmk via this Shoutout, thanks.
We were really good friends and then we had sex on halloween. I'm worried about you though come back into my life!!!
Just Stop:
To my ex: I hope it rains every day in Seattle. But like have fun!!!
To Harvest late night: You can keep the long islands. And my dignity.
To everyone on Locust Walk: no
To chestnut praline latte: you are Christmas in a mug.
To shoutout eds: I got nothing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
