Guy in the McNeil stairwell: Girls get wet when they see my rice cooker.
Sensible sophomore girl: You know he's the one if he doesn't want to have kids with you.
Football bro on Locust: I didn't know a girl could hurt my feelings like that. I didn't even know I had feelings! No homo though!
Blonde sorostitute #1: You guys seemed to be really hitting it off.
Blonde sorostitute #2: Yeah, well, I'm an alcoholic, so it's whatever.