Best Ability to Make Babysitters Want to Punch Walls, Or Children
Nothing makes you beg for instant death via icicle like a tone deaf six–year–old trying to replicate Idina Menzel’s voice in “Let It Go.” And no, I have no desire to build a snowman. Okay byyyyyeeee.
Best Film to Leave You with a Feeling of “WTF?”
Winner: Jupiter Ascending
Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne and friends, what about this movie seemed appealing when it was presented to you? Everyone already thinks you’re a queen, Mila. Did you need to convince us you were intergalactic royalty as well? And Channing, when it comes to costuming, stick to the Magic Mike outfits. Wings don’t suit you.
Best Performance by a Child Star Whose Life Will Inevitably Be Ruined By Hollywood
Winner: Mackenzie Foy as little Murphy in Interstellar
It’s not you, Mackenzie. It’s the fact that Interstellar was so spectacular and just plain cool that starring in another movie this awesome might take a while—thus launching you into an early life crisis about your career. Plus, we’re pretty sure your mind is completely fried by whatever happened in the last half hour of Interstellar, so you won’t make it that far, anyway. But don’t worry, we’re rooting for you. We’re all rooting for you.
Best Film with No Plot But Lots of Violence
Winner: The Hateful Eight
We get it, Quentin Tarantino, you like blood and shooting and death and profanity. You’ve made this clear with a number of quality films. Now it feels like you’re just using your good name as an excuse to set the Guinness World Record for amount of fake blood used in one three–hour period. You had my curiosity, and now you have my attention. I checked; Evil Dead won.
Best Murder Weapon in a Horror Film
Winner: The afro pick in Leprechaun 5: In the Hood
Of all the ways to die in a horror movie, smoking with a leprechaun who only speaks in rhymes (“A friend with weed is a friend indeed”) and then stabs you in the neck with your own afro pick is certainly memorable. And that’s all you can really ask for in a horror movie whose body count is well over 30.
Best Reason to Finally Give Leo His Oscar
Winner: Literally any movie.
Just give him his own category, let him take a picture with the little gold man and call it a day.