Grow a beard and start hunting ducks. 

Begin to train your entire student club lineage to be like you. Think of a majestic name for your lineage. Dynasty might be a good word.

Try to date an entire pledge class at one time. 

Initiate what you call “group hangs” with multiple members of the pledge class, but are actually group dates for you to decide which person you like the best. Give roses to the people in the pledge class you like most. Flowers are the best way to show affection! If anyone tries to yell at you for being a two–timing asshole, just explain that those “I Met My Spouse at Penn” buttons are something you need.

Move into a house on Sansom with seven other people. 

Figure out what makes you and your housemates so different from each other. Try to highlight those differences aggressively to the point where it creates conflict. It’s more real this way. Also, try to sleep with all your housemates, but also still bring other people home with you so that your housemates know that you’re the person to fuck, but not the person to fuck with.

Stand at a SEPTA bus stop. 

Every time that someone gets off the bus, make a disgusted face and yell, “NEXT.”

Release a sex tape. 

Have some combination of nine full, half and step–siblings. Be an enigma on the scene: ever present, yet you didn’t go to a boarding school that starts with “St.” and you certainly have never been to Jewish Day Camp with anyone in Apes or Oz. Have everyone constantly question the validity of your presence in their daily lives. Take naked selfies and post them on the internet. Break the internet.

Go to a series of a cappella concerts with two of your friends. 

Sit in the front row. After each song, comment on the soloist’s singing ability using a scathing British accent. Tell your friends to be nicer than you, and to excessively use the word “dawg” to refer to the soloist. After several seasons, switch out one of your friends for Jennifer Lopez to make the shows more fun. Be surprised when it doesn't work.


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