The acceptance rate for the Penn Class of 2020 was a jaw dropping 9.4%. As a current high school junior it might feel like your dream of being a Quaker will never come true...and well, for 90.6% of you, you’re probably right. But there are a few things you can do to give yourself an edge.
Here are 12 steps to follow if you’re not lucky enough to be bo(u)rn(e) legacy.
Step 1: About a year before you’re conceived get yourself on the waitlist for a private, New York City preschool. That professional network isn’t going to build itself!
Step 2: Say your first word…”internship.”
Step 3: Start collecting those leadership positions. Climb your way to the top of the corporate playground ladder.
Step 4: Have the dopest bar/bat mitzvah in Armonk.
Step 5: Tap into your inner Joffrey Lannister (everyone has one, right?) and execute your friend’s dog. This kind of cold blooded ruthlessness will be essential while going through the college process.
Step 6: Against all odds, be the first Jewish squash player at your local country club. Write a book about overcoming adversity.
Step 7: Become a high functioning sociopath with an addiction to one (preferably more) illicit substances.
Step 8: Realize your life as a white one–percenter doesn’t inspire a lot of personal statement ideas. Travel to a ~developing country~ and take a picture with nonwhite 99–percent children. Change your profile picture and write about this life changing experience.
Step 9: Invent Facebook. If that’s already been done start a drug ring at your Westchester public school. Penn searches for students with entrepreneurial spirits.
Step 10: Take all the APs. All of them. Write a new AP and take that one too. They’re completely useless but how else will you prove your worth?
Step 11: Sabotage everyone else’s applications by hacking into the Common App website and changing their “Why Penn” essays to the Communist Manifesto.
Step 12: Sleep with your interviewer.
