The music is bumping, the Banker's is flowing and you’re feeling yourself. Although you’re clawing at a blackout, you’re still “functioning” enough to get in that final DFMO. Un- like DFMOs of the past where you were chatting up your intended hookup all night, this is a one–grind–and–go type deal. It’s like the part of gymnastics where they say, “Just the dismount left,” and all you have to do is stick the landing. So you Simone Biles that shit and stick it. But then the party ends and you realize you’re just a Penn kid that made a drunk mistake; one that you’ll have to live with forever. Highbrow’s here with how to cope. 

  • Wear the unidentifiable srat or frat hat. Chances are the person whose face you sucked didn’t actually spend a whole lot of time looking at yours (unless they were one of those terrifying human beings who makes out with their eyes wide open, in which case, we’re sorry that happened to you). But, while donning the same letters that embody hundreds of people of your same gender, one can not be really sure if you were “that girl from SDT” that he hooked up with last weekend.

  • Embrace it. If you can’t pull off avoiding the awkwardness, then just make it known. Most of the time, your drunken mistakes are more embarrassing to you than to others. Plus, it takes two to tango. You didn’t DFMO alone (we hope) which means you can just confront the situation and move on. Maybe you’ll “make it work” and eventually go from DFMO to dating.

  • Run everywhere. Remember those kids in high school that would zoom down the halls like they were on a mission? That’s the type of speed we’re talking about. Plus, athleisure is in style these days. While getting fast and furious, you’ll either be going quickly enough that last weekend’s DFMO won’t even notice you, or you’ll be dying in this heat that your sweaty, puffy and red face will be unrecognizable.

  • Phone a friend. This way, if an emergency arises and eye contact is made with the person whose tongue was down your throat last night, then you can immediately pick up the phone with “David.” It helps if David is your friend who your DFMO used to date. There’s no way she’d want to approach you, the awkward DFMO and her ex at the same time. (Caution: Fake phone calls could potentially be mistaken for talking to yourself—especially if your headphones are in—but desperate times call for desperate measures).

  • Stay inside. Being antisocial has its perks. Aside from not running into anyone you can also catch up on the important things in life like Netflix, your ex’s life on Facebook, Tasty videos and most importantly, snacking in bed. You’d much rather be a homebody than a home–wrecker, so just stay inside and leave the sketchy DFMOs to some freshman.

  • Engage in conversation with the awkward flyer people on Locust Walk. Usually you try to avoid them at all costs, but this is a matter of life or death. Plus finding Jesus at Penn might be helpful since you seem to be making bad choices on the dance floor and most likely in life as well.


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