Pokémon Blow: Open a map on your phone and see where all that white magic is hiding. Fuck, there’s a line outside Castle again.

HeyyyDay: It’s like Tinder but only for booty calls. Everyone knows what three Ys mean. Don’t play dumb and ask me how I thought the econ quiz was.

Sweetgreen01: Potheads of Pennsylvania unite for your one-stop-shop list of all the dealers on campus. All the dealers go through a highly intense screening process and all the sketchy ones are weeded out.

Sweetgreen02: Live–stream Amy Gutmann rolling in cash 24/7 in her mansion on Walnut.

Sweetgreen03: Just by opening the app, a Kale Caesar gets instantly delivered to your apartment in the Radian.

HoneyGrow: Is your guy having “male issues” again? Help your honey grow with this instant Viagra delivery service.

LinkedIn: We can see the 50 Shades of Grey you’re reading behind that Physics textbook. Find the other S&M bitches who like to get handcuffed just as much as you do.

BYOCR: Stressed during OCR? A Wharton freshman eager to experience On Campus Recruitment early will deliver you a shot of whatever you want in order to ease the stress of the craziest time in your life since PV.

Google Japs: Jewish Geography taking longer than 30 seconds? Type in your fellow Jew Yorker’s name and find instant results complete with both mutual friends and obligatory camp information.

GroupMe: a torture app completely funded by the CIA used for purposes of harassing innocent individuals with a myriad of notifications from different srat/club/friendsfromhighschoolyounevertalktoanymore groups.


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