Difficult choices lie ahead for many Penn undergraduates. In a scheduling upset that will have long–lasting consequences, Halloween and Homecoming will occur on the same weekend. Confusion and chaos are already apparent. “What am I supposed to be? Sexy Penn tour guide?” wondered a visibly upset College junior.

Costumes are not the only thing students must struggle with this week. A Wharton senior who is the social chair of an off–campus fraternity spoke with Street on the condition of anonymity over some of the complications he is facing. “What do I call the downtown? What’s the dress code?” The student exited shortly after because he was “so stressed he needed to do a shit–ton of coke right now.”

Students are especially concerned about how they’re supposed to handle their best friend visiting from Michigan. “Homecoming was supposed to be my time to show them that Penn tailgates too. What if people are too dead to darty by Saturday? This was supposed to be our version of the Wisconsin game!” cried a Jewish girl from Jericho.

The only group who seems unphased by this conflict of interest is the football team itself. “We’re expecting the same low turnout,” they reasoned.

Despite the unfortunate circumstances, many students just hope this series of unfortunate events does not repeat itself. There are whispers that sorority presidents are meeting to draft an open letter to the university, though these claims have not been verified.