What you need: love of country, respect for the democratic process, an unfounded mistrust of “liberal media” and all the alcohol you can buy in a capitalist economy.


Sip whenever

  • You see a a) Make America Great Again hat or b) Make America Gay Again hat or c) Make Donald Drumpf Again hat.
  • Someone asks what the date is.
  • You see the ghost of Bernie Sanders’s campaign smoking a J on College Green.

  • You smell a traitor.


Eat a raw steak

  • For breakfast, lunch and dinner.


Use your constitutional right to…

  • Organize when your professor says you can’t collaborate on your midterm.
  • Free speech when you call your international friends “commie spies.”


Take a shot whenever

  • Anyone says the words “Clinton,” “Trump” or “Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.”
  • You vote multiple times to rig the election.
  • The heavens open and God smites America.


If Hillary wins

  • Chug for the duration of time Trump refuses to accept the results

If Trump wins

  • Chug for the duration of your train ride to Montreal

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