Clarissa Hufflebum (C '18) was finishing up her fall semester abroad at King's College London when she came to an earth–shattering realization: "Guys, wizards are real."

"I was posing for an Instagram under the Platform 9 3/4 sign at King's Cross Station when a ginger sprinted towards me, rammed his luggage cart into the wall and almost killed me," she said. "I was upset until I realized he was Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger's son and had missed his train back to Hogwarts. Hugo Granger–Weasley is the British boyfriend I've always wanted. So I confused him with words like Snapchat and Facebook, entranced him with the flashlight on my iPhone 7, seduced him with my feminine wiles and brought him back to my flat. What else was I supposed to have done?"

Clarissa, who hasn't been the same since her eleventh birthday passed without a Hogwarts acceptance letter, proceeded to show Hugo all the PokeStops in her neighborhood. Then she handed him a pair of Google Glasses and Muggle–splained the Internet.

"I used to always wish I was a witch, but now I know being a Muggle isn't so bad. There are real perks to not being a wizard. Yeah, we don't have dragons and I can't jet off on a Nimbus 2000, but at least we have texting. All the wizards have are post owls. Can you imagine how frustrating that would be? I don't understand how people express themselves without emojis."

"Hugo asked me what a Google was," Clarissa recalled. "It was adorable."

Hugo was unimpressed by the Internet, noting he would rather teleport places, predict the future and interact with ghosts than tag his friends in memes.

"Bloody hell, your life is boring," he exclaimed as Clarissa tried to face–swap with him.

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At press time, Clarissa was seen using everyday ingredients to try to concoct a love potion.


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