If you’re an upper–middle class white, cis–gendered, heterosexual female living on a privileged coast, then you can probably say with certainty that you are still not over this election. If someone even mentions his name, you are going to LOSE IT. Every day you wake up and think about how your life will probably remain exactly the same, but you’re just so shaken from thinking about those less fortunate than you.
You fall in one of two camps on the Harambe front. Either you don’t want to hear his name because you care about animal justice, or you don’t want to hear his name because you are SICK and TIRED of stupid memes and frat boys with despicable party naming capabilities. Either way, we can all agree that nobody wants to hear about this member of Apes.
Speaking of off–campus frats, haaaaaaave you met Oz? Our munchkins over on beige block have been the talk of the town this semester, and though it’s been months since the Ozpocalypse, there’s a slight cringe every time you find out you have a mixer with them. Because it’s like, “They’re not the only ones who do it, but like also they did it, so it’s like wrong, but I’m still friends with them.” See? Cringe.
In other Wizard of Oz references, DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEAD! If you’re Cuban you’re probably thrilled; if you’re not, you’re also probably thrilled but are trying to figure out whether or not it’s your place to discuss. Either way, let’s make like the ignorantly blissful millennials we are and pretend like this ferocious dictator never existed by being too frightened to say his name!
Is it a comedic Penn article if Amy Gutmann hasn’t been listed?? With the exception of the few Penn students actually caught up with Penn politics, does anyone really know why everyone dislikes her? Or is it just fun at this point to make fun of middle–aged blonde women in pantsuits? The world will never know! But seriously, she’s in here just to fulfill Street’s Gutmann quota.
That kid you hooked up with recently who you sort of like, but it’s a little too soon to take him to your formal so now you’re stressing and you’re gonna end up taking your best girlfriend at this point because feminism.
Whatever you do…do. not. mention. Will.