You are on the fastest route to eternal fulfillment (eternal fulfillment subject to change). You will arrive tired, cynical, and hopefully, with at least one job offer (job offer subject to change).

Continue straight towards freshman NSO for 71 new friend requests. At the first drunk embarrassment, exit left to first day of classes.

Advisor meeting reported ahead. Estimated delay while advisor asks why you didn’t take more APs—30 minutes. Estimated time spent telling people that you’re a CIS major: 1 and a half semesters.

If desired, use the rush lane to turn right into Greek life. In 0.5 months, Greek life merges to become chapter meetings and cultish tendencies.

Keep left to avoid questions about your major.

Places to eat found on route: 1. Starbucks: a good cry on the phone to your mom 2. Kitchen Gia: A vent sesh with your roommate, an overpriced panini 3. Your bed: microwaves popcorn and sleep.

At the roundabout, take the third exit if you want to go abroad. Perhaps exit the roundabout and never come back.


Continue straight to OCR. Potholes on road ahead. Smile. Build your resume. Relax. Interview train. Don’t be stressed. Research companies. Deep breaths. Maintain eye contact. Get a job.

A collision of overblown personal expectations and crippling self–doubt has caused a job slowdown of one year. You are still on the fastest route. You will arrive whenever your parents politely ask that you move out of their home.


Updated state of arrival: jobless. Continue proudly toward Senior Week through Smokes. Enter Franklin Field for graduation; watch out for unexpected clogging in the divorced parents section.

Whenever possible, make a legal U–turn to return to freshman NSO.


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